There have been whispers throughout history of a text-transfer machine so powerful and functional that one can call upon its multitude of services from any room in the house. Although no one has ever actually witnessed such efficiency, the mere possibility of this magical convenience has inspired many home-office workers to spend an extra forty-five dollars, plus tax.
A Halfway Decent Self-Tanner
Ancient prophecies speak of a balm that could be smoothed onto the epidermis to replicate the effect of being “sun-kissed” and “beautifully bronzed.” This product could be easily and evenly applied to legs, arms, and chests, by human hands, without leaving visible streaks or turning one a shade of orange best described as “Gritty-esque.” Humanity still waits with bated breath for this fabled lotion to save us from our pasty winter butts.
This simple gift from the gods was bestowed upon us in response to our proclivity for gazing upon big screens and little screens until we had completely destroyed our brain’s natural production of melatonin. People around the world have donned the magical yellow lenses—but, to date, there is not one person who has managed to play the Sims until 2 A.M. and still get a decent night’s sleep.
Natural Deodorant That Doesn’t Wear Off in Forty-Five Minutes
It is understood that deep within some remote caverns there exist blessed people who coat their underarms with a forceful substance untainted by aluminum—and they do not smell of body odor almost immediately after applying it. A sighting of one of these Naturally Non-Putrids is rarer than an encounter with Bigfoot.
Truly Independent Roombas
These small, circular creatures that roam the carpet’s expanse, searching for dust and hair balls to gobble up, do actually exist! However, for years, rumors have swirled of an infallible, all-powerful robot vacuum that can adequately clean corners and empty its own trash—and does not require constantly being rescued from a cliff’s edge (also known as the corner of the bath mat). These reports are unsubstantiated.
Real I.D. Domestic Travel Requirements
In every airport there is a sign. A sign that tells of an I.D. requirement whose origin is long forgotten and whose deadline is as elusive as the riddle of the Sphinx. “You won’t be able to travel domestically without it, soon,” the dusty signs forewarn, from the shelves of Hudson News and the doors of the designated family restroom. Despite the severity of these words, the mystical future date requiring enhanced identification never seems to draw nearer.
Boyfriend Jeans for Every Body Type
Recently unearthed, allegedly unretouched photos appear to show a type of jeans designed for the male body that flatters the body of his female significant other. In this Shangri-La, the straight and rigid pants that men can just buy online without ever trying on also suit the curves and physical nuances of the lady body, which can also pull off a wide-leg boot cut, apparently. An appealing, almost invigorating legend. But a legend, nevertheless.
Effective Workplace-Inclusivity Training
Once upon a time, there was a first day of employment during which new hires were clearly and firmly informed of the company’s no-tolerance policy regarding harassment and discrimination (and no weirdo videos were shown). Over the years, this employer enforced the policy fairly, decently, and with no regard for someone’s “sales numbers” or “seniority” or “how bad their commute was that day, you’re being very sensitive, try to understand where they’re coming from.” This concern for the physical and emotional safety of its workers created renown for this employer across the land, and many people of all races, gender identities, sexual orientations, and family situations worked there with much fulfillment until retirement. And they lived happily ever after—or so the fairy tale goes.
There is one remote to rule them all, and, if you know how to successfully program it, could you come over and do ours?