Welcome to Netflix World, the theme park that represents the logical conclusion of building an I.P. empire.
Please present your admission ticket to a member of our Stream Team. Guests can use their cousin’s boyfriend’s mom’s ticket this time, but we really are going to crack down on that soon.
As visitors enter, they can browse the many algorithmically selected souvenir shops. Some of these shops are designed for strong female leads, others for rogue cops doing one last job, and still others for kids, British. But all of them feature Netflix World signature headgear stations, where guests will be able to purchase their very own The Crown.
The entrance area also features our Hall of the Presidents . . . of Netflix. Picture it: a proscenium stage where ticket holders can see Reed Hastings and Ted Sarandos, the co-C.E.O.s of Netflix, deliver TED Talks. And we don’t rely on animatronics; it’s really Reed Hastings and Ted Sarandos. They live there now.
As guests exit the hall, they’ll lay eyes on an iconic attraction—the giant house of cards from “House of Cards.” Take a selfie with the enormous playing cards that are definitely the part of our first big hit show that people remember. Power, corruption, and greed never looked so Instagrammable.
Continue on to Netflix World’s synergetic lands, such as Nostalgia Land, where adults can feel like kids again, and kids can feel safe in the knowledge that modern entertainment and child-labor laws make being a child actor much less damaging these days. While these laws also prevent us from letting adults pay money to play D. & D. in a basement with teen-agers, “Stranger Things” fans can still feel the thrill of adventure on our newest ride, Biking Slowly Through Hawkins, Indiana. And lovers of “The Baby-Sitters Club” will go wild for Kristy’s Great Idea for a Roller-Coaster, a roller-coaster based on Kristy’s first great idea (the Baby-Sitters Club) and Kristy’s second great idea (this roller-coaster).
A note to our roller-coaster riders: while we encourage guests to binge-ride, if you remain on an attraction for more than thirty minutes, our staff members are required to ask, “Are you still riding?”
If the combination of longing for simpler times and being tossed around on a giant steel contraption turns the stomach, Netflix recommends visiting one of our restrooms, conveniently located throughout the premises. We would like to remind our guests that any individual who looks in a bathroom mirror and says something disparaging about themselves risks summoning the Fab Five from the surrounding stalls and being Queer Eyed on the spot. Please self-criticize responsibly.
After a bathroom trip and/or total life makeover, visitors can walk from the memory-rich sepia tones of Nostalgia Land to the auteur-driven sepia tones of Prestige Land. There, guests will immerse themselves in the worlds of our most award-oriented properties by:
- Getting high and playing chess.
- Getting high in the Lake of the Ozarks.
- Getting high in Colombia, and then later in Mexico.
- Getting high because of Nurse Ratched.
- Getting high and just watching “I Think You Should Leave with Tim
Robinson.”
During their visit, guests will be able to interact with some of our most popular characters. Eager fans can ask Jen and Judy, from “Dead to Me,” about the death of their husbands; or ask Nadia, from “Russian Doll” about the repeated death of herself; or ask Emily about Paris.
We are also pleased to offer dining options that replicate the at-home Netflix experience. Visitors are invited to choose between a wide array of party-size chip bags, melted Junior Mint globs, and weed at any of our themed eateries: the prison cafeteria from “Orange Is the New Black,” the unrealized campsite from the Fyre Festival documentary, or the chef’s table from “Chef’s Table.”
And, of course, Netflix World wouldn’t be complete without Shonda Land, a technically not-affiliated parcel of land where we built Shonda Rhimes a massive castle staffed by actors with impeccable butts that she can visit whenever she wants without ever having to pay and she will never be mad at us. Guests who aren’t Shonda Rhimes can still pose with the cast of “Bridgerton” in the “Close-up and Ugly Cry” photo booth.
For those who feel that television isn’t really their jam, there’s always Netflix Original Movie Land—we’ve recreated the outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and the inside of a suburban living room, where you can enjoy a randomly selected Netflix original movie. Thrill-seekers will relish the uncertainty of not knowing whether they’ll be subjected to a three-hour, black-and-white, Spanish-language Oscar winner or “Hubie Halloween”!
If choosing among all of these experiences seems overwhelming, we invite you to open a map at the entrance and browse it for three hours while bickering with family members, before giving up and going back to the hotel to rewatch “Schitt’s Creek.”
