Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The I.R.S. says you owe a hundred thousand dollars,
And we will come and find you.
We go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Hi, I have a great insurance deal for you;
My name is Kelly.
Your love is addicting;
I don’t think I could quit.
A mysterious unmarked package is on its way—
Call us back to track it.
My love for you grows like a new spring plant,
And you are eligible for a government grant!
All you have to do is pay us one small fee—
It’s really no big deal, we just have too much money.
You are a queen;
You deserve a throne.
Also, hey, while you’re there,
Could you pick up the phone?
The call is coming from a number almost identical to yours.
It’s creepy, I know, but we’re scam connoisseurs.
We are best friends, stuck together like glue,
And I have got a great deal for you.
Too bad you can’t understand this,
Because the call is in Spanish.
We have so much love;
There’s no need to be frugal.
You have to give us your money,
Because we’re saying we’re Google.
You fill my face
With a big smile.
And could you confirm your bank info with me?
I definitely already have it on file.
Our romance spreads across all the seasons,
And your Social Security number has been suspended for, um, reasons.
I love you so much,
So it hurts me to say
There is a warrant out for your arrest.
The police are already on their way.
You and me were meant to be.
Also, we found a virus on your iPhone—
Please send it in for repairs immediately.
First you won my heart,
Now you’ve won a trip to Paris,
So send your bank info to start,
And then your home address.
Our love is easy; it is not hard.
Congrats! You’ve won a ten-thousand-dollar Amazon gift card.
Hello, sweetie, this is Grandma.
I’m out of cash for bread and coleslaw.
Could you wire me some money?
Of course I know how wiring works, honey.
I love you near,
I love you far,
I can save you money on your car payment,
Even if you don’t have a car.
Your love is a gift;
Your love is a present,
And if you don’t call back and tell us your credit-card number,
You might resent it.
We’re the F.B.I., but don’t be confused;
We use automated voicemails for our most secret missions—
Haven’t you heard the news?
You make me feel warm, even in winter.
Could you send the make and model number of your printer?
This is coming out of nowhere, but please see it through—
We have a great toner deal to share with you.
You make my heart explode!
I might need a nurse,
And on this call, I will read a Bible verse.
Don’t ask me why, or what’s going on;
Here’s a passage from the Gospel, according to John.
Jeez, can you believe it’s only a quarter to one?
The calls will keep coming, so leave your phone on.
We’ll call you a hundred times before the day is through.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from us to you.
