WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A newly unchained Dr. Anthony Fauci stunned the White House press corps on Friday when he recited the entire periodic table of elements at a coronavirus briefing.
Without warning, the esteemed virologist named all of the hundred and eighteen chemical elements on the table, starting with hydrogen and ending with oganesson, along with their abbreviations and atomic numbers.
“That felt amazing!” Fauci exclaimed, visibly throbbing with excitement. “Now let’s do it backward!”
According to White House sources, Fauci’s realization that he can now speak freely about science has resulted in several such outbursts since the Inauguration, including during a vaccination-strategy meeting, when he began explaining the theory of relativity.
“He went to the whiteboard and started scrawling these insanely long equations,” a White House staffer said. “It was like he was possessed.”
Another staffer agreed. “It’s great having Tony fully engaged, but he’s got to dial it back a little,” the staffer said. “Right now, it’s kind of like having Bill Nye the Science Guy in the room.”
For his part, Fauci acknowledged that he has not yet fully adjusted to his recent liberation. “Don’t worry—after a day or two I’ll calm down,” he said. “Hey, do you want to hear the first hundred digits of pi?”