1. Make a pizza.
Not the way you’re thinking. Cauliflower crusts are gross. Instead, cut six cups of cauliflower florets, steam them in the microwave, and use the resulting mulch to barter with your neighbors for cash. When you’ve managed to accumulate twenty dollars, order a pizza for delivery.
2. Build a house.
The housing market is very volatile. Rather than falling victim to a rental scam, consider compressing several tons of cauliflower heads into bricks. Stack the bricks on top of one another, using thin layers of “grout” (that’s what we call liquefied cauliflower) to hold everything together. When you’ve got four walls and a roof, move right in!
3. Embrace companionship.
Times are tough. Why not top your cauliflower with a jaunty beret? Pour a small glass of wine for your cruciferous pal—a thimble should work, scale-wise—and really dig into the nuances of what you’ve been going through.
4. Toss it in the trash.
Just for two seconds, to teach it a lesson. Then simply remove, rinse off any coffee grounds, and proceed with your recipe as written.
5. Start a sex cult.
Bear with us—this one’s a weekend project. You know those people who take the appearance of Jesus’ face on a slice of toast as a call to evangelize? Do that, but with your cauliflower. Using a paring knife, slice the silhouette of your face into the cauliflower’s flat bottom side. When you’re passing it around to convince others of your divine right to lead, pretend it appeared there naturally. The rest should take care of itself.
6. Take a zero-waste approach.
Little-known fact: people often throw out the most delicious part of the cauliflower. Hang on to that bag! Melt that sucker down in a saucepan and enjoy a nice soup.
7. Apologize for what you did to its parents.
Suck it up and say you’re sorry.
8. Smoosh it up into a hundred-per-cent biodegradable rug.
You live in a house made from cauliflower bricks, so it’s a perfect match.
9. Make Buffalo cauliflower.
Grab your favorite artisanal hot sauce, flour, paprika, and a couple heads of cauliflower, and get into your car. Drive due north until you see the exit sign for BUFFALO, NEW YORK. Don’t take it. Instead, keep driving until you hit the Canadian border. Keep on driving! You’re looking for a graveyard. You’ll know it when you see it. Pull over. In a large metal bowl, dredge your cauliflower in batter, then fry it in a portable vat of hot oil. Use your heel to grind exactly one piece of Buffalo cauliflower into the grave site of Buff Buffalo, inventor of the Buffalo wing, to show him once and for all that his treat can be vegan, too!
10. Get a caulibotomy.
Replace your own brain with a head of cauliflower and get to know what life is like from its perspective.
11. Redecorate your kitchen.
Attempt to chop it up in a contained and tidy manner on a recently cleaned countertop.
12. Ask it on a date.
You’ve been through so much together. Why not build on this shared history and take things a step further? It’s always scary to put yourself out there, but a faint heart never won a fair vegetable. And, if all goes well, you’ll have lots of fun stories to tell your grandkids.
