I’m going to Disneyland to get vaccinated, because reaching seventy-five-per-cent herd immunity is the only way we can hope to return to normalcy—the most magical place on earth!
I’m ready to celebrate over Zoom with my family and friends, who were responsible enough not to pack themselves into a stadium in Florida full of drunk, screaming disease vectors. You can unmute now, Aunt Kathy! We won!
Time for me to get back to work on using my platform as a famous millionaire to encourage people to wear masks and adhere to social-distancing guidelines. Gloves off, masks on, fam!
Can’t wait to get this trophy back home to the fans and encourage front-office management to turn our currently empty stadium into a mass-immunization site. Shots, shots, shots, baby!
I’m going to buy my mom a house in which she can safely quarantine until her age group is granted access to the vaccine and she schedules an appointment through her local public-health infrastructure. I love you, mom! Don’t go to Linda’s barbecue!
“[City], this is for you!” is what I hope our municipal governing body will say when they lay out a comprehensive vaccine-distribution plan, economic-recovery initiative, and meaningful social-justice reform. Y’all deserve this!
I’m going to start preparing for next season by pressuring the N.F.L. to take the interim months to reallocate available funds and personnel previously dedicated to COVID-19 testing and prevention to developing sweeping anti-concussion protocol. Clear eyes, full investigation, can’t lose!
I want to say thank you to my wife for everything she does, because the labor of women is generally undervalued in this country—including that of N.F.L. cheerleaders, who, in addition to being among the many women to lose their jobs during the pandemic, barely make minimum wage and are often subjected to sexual harassment with no clearly defined avenue for recourse. It’s a team effort!
To all the kids back home who dream of getting here, I just want to say work hard, have a positive attitude, and that the N.C.A.A.’s abysmal response to the coronavirus has confirmed the fact that their system is exploitative and benefits financially from gruelling labor, most often that of Black men, while claiming to compensate those men with an education that they are not granted equal access to. The more you know!
