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Oh, Hey, I’m a Guy Who Peaked in the Aughts

Oh, hey, I didn’t see you there! I was just scrolling through this sweet Gnarls Barkley playlist on my iPod. Yeah, it totally still works! Unlike me, unfortunately. I got fired again. It turns out that Jen from accounting didn’t appreciate me trying to flirt by repeatedly quoting Vince Vaughn in “Wedding Crashers,” despite the fact that it’s objectively the best movie ever made. Oh, my bad—except for “Pulp Fiction,” obviously. I love Tarantino’s depictions of women. They’re so spot-on.

Anyway, what are you up to? Want to come down to Union Pool and chug a few P.B.R.s later? I got this sweet new Kangol I want to try out on the ladies. Last week, this chick was checking me out and I was, like, “If you recognize me it’s probably ’cause I played Waiter No. 3 in a party scene with Ashley Judd, and I have an extremely pixelated photo right here on my BlackBerry to prove it!”

Truthfully, my dating choices are mostly based on my comprehensive knowledge of Celebrity Sex Tape Reddit—which hasn’t worked out super well, now that I think about it.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I sold Avril Lavigne a hooded cardigan at Abercrombie? Oh, I did? Yeah, and then later she blocked me on MySpace. No idea why.

You know, people think I’m just an ambitionless, middle-aged party boy with product-heavy hair, who talks too loud in restaurants—and, O.K., that’s fair. But I’m evolving! Kind of. At this point, my jokes are at least thirty per cent less racist than the first season of “Mad TV,” and I haven’t “accidentally” grazed a waitress’s chest since 2018 or so.

Oh, funny story, the other day this lady at Trader Joe’s told me I look exactly like Joey from “Friends.” You know what I said? “How you doooinnn?!” We both cracked up. I actually used to do a little standup, back in the day. I ran into Louis C.K. backstage once and he gave me some tips. Super nice guy. I wonder what he’s up to lately. Oh, really? Wow.

Hey, have you taken that BuzzFeed quiz “Which Sopranos Character Are You?” I got Carmela, which was cool since I’m totally a feminist. Sporty Spice was always my favorite. And I fully get that “Girls Gone Wild” is an important way for women to empower themselves!

At the end of the day, though, I’m pretty old-fashioned. Back in college, if a girl got super drunk at a frat party and her platform flip-flop got stuck in the ladies’ mud-wrestling pit, I’d be the guy to help her out. I’d even get her a Diet Snapple before trying to make out with her. I’m a gentleman!

Nice talking to you, but I’ve gotta run—I need to mail these back to Netflix. Oh, wow, is it noon already? Time flies. I mean, I can hardly believe the nineties were ten years ago! Anyway, peace out, homeslice. Let’s meet at Barnes & Noble for a coffee sometime.


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