Welcome! If you’re here, that means you’ve either finished scrolling through your Instagram feed for multiple consecutive hours, or the two edibles you took still haven’t kicked in. Thankfully, if our club is successful, you’ll be asleep in no time. Let’s get reading!
Some Book on Mindfulness You Bought When You First Started Therapy (9 P.M.)
For a moment or two, you were able to forget the dark, beckoning abyss that is your subconscious, and relax. You took some nice, deep breaths. And then, sitting with this stillness, remembered every stupid thing you’ve ever said to anyone, and were quickly wide awake, once again.
Your Menstrual Cycle Tracker (10 P.M.)
Turns out, you didn’t totally understand how ovulation works. Now, you’ve never been more in touch with your body. A bit too in touch, honestly. Still, you will consider paying an extra $15.99 a month for access to lectures such as, “P.M.S.: Fact or Fiction?” just to pass the time.
Your Journal from Three Years Ago (11 P.M.)
This was a mistake. You’ve barely accomplished anything on your 2017 New Year’s resolution list, and were deeply wrong about Greg. Didn’t he just get married in San Diego to that surf instructor? But at least you finally bought a fancy food processor this year! That is growth. Also, this writing isn’t half bad. If Greg can follow his dreams, so can you.
The Bible (12 A.M.)
There were some really great parts, but ultimately, this book made you realize that you will need more than spiritual guidance to actually fall asleep—you will need a miracle.
“The Unbearable Lightness of Being” (1 A.M.)
Turns out that a book about Nietzsche and eternal recurrence hits even harder when you read it in your childhood bed in the middle of a pandemic during a recession, surrounded by your old Grateful Dead posters. Face it: You will never escape.
Untitled Memoir Project (2 A.M.)
O.K., just spitballing here, but maybe you don’t need to read other books because you can write your own! The sun hasn’t even risen yet—you’ve got all the time in the world!
A Zillow Listing for an Eight-Million-Dollar Home You Will Never Be Able to Afford (3 A.M.)
French windows. Original molding. A walk-in closet. This is the home that you will buy with your book advance! Turns out no one is available to give a tour this early in the morning, but you can wait.
WebMD Article on Insomnia (4 A.M.)
All your symptoms point to a pretty clear diagnosis, but you should probably stay up a little longer just to be sure.
Wikipedia Article on Self-Publishing (5 A.M.)
All right, so maybe writing a book is harder than you thought—but you can start smaller! Like, a pamphlet of short poems or something! People want that, right?
Twitter.com (6 A.M.)
Will resume writing soon. Time to greet the day by clicking links about that squirrel in Tennessee that learned the Harlem Shake. You can always sleep tomorrow!
