In 1925, a Siberian husky named Balto was part of a dog-sled team that raced across Alaska to deliver a serum to combat a diphtheria epidemic in Nome. These were some of the protestations to his evil plot to save Alaska’s most vulnerable residents, many of whom were children.
“First, a deadly diphtheria outbreak shuts down our shops, and now we’re being forced to take a life-saving serum? This dog is trying to take away our freedom!”
“How come a dog is allowed to deliver a serum in the middle of a dangerous winter snowstorm, during a grave health crisis in which children are dying, but I’m not allowed to get an indoor haircut? Man, I miss those haircuts—my barber’s rough, calloused hands around my head, a rusty blade fashioned out of an old ice skate lacerating my scalp. I really miss that. Why can’t I get that?”
“The Siberian husky is a trustworthy, hardworking, and highly intelligent breed. That’s why I believe that Balto is a secret agent of the government, tasked with injecting us with poison that will be used to control our minds. This seems like a much more credible theory than any science-based one.”
“The scientists who developed this serum are quacks! I’d feel a lot safer if the serum were produced by someone I know and could trust, like that salesman who goes door to door and sells miracle elixirs for bald men.”
“I read a flyer in the bathroom stall of a saloon that said the serum is actually made with dog genes, and that it’s going to turn all of us into dogs. I know what’s best for me and my children, and it’s insuring that we stay human.”
“I heard that Balto is actually Bill Gates in a dog costume. That’s all you need to know about that.”
“Diphtheria is being blown way out of proportion. Besides, there are so many other ways that people can die—getting attacked by a Kodiak bear; being stampeded to death by a herd of moose; falling into a crevasse; basically anytime you leave your house in Alaska. If I don’t need a vaccine to prevent a bear attack, then I don’t need a vaccine against diphtheria, the Kodiak bear of diseases. I think my argument there is pretty solid.”
“This is part of a vast and sinister plot to force Americans to see dogs as man’s best friend.”
“Actually, it’s Togo, not Balto, who’s the lead sled dog in the serum run. Sorry, I’m just a stickler for the facts.”
“Balto should prove that the serum is safe by getting strapped to a chair and being injected with it in the middle of the town square. I’m much more likely to trust modern medicine when it has a medieval-execution vibe.”
“There’s just something about the name Balto that I don’t trust. Is he foreign?”
