WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that she has been unfairly branded as anti-health care, Amy Coney Barrett testified that she strongly helps all medical remedies that had been out there within the yr america Structure was written.
Like her position mannequin, Antonin Scalia, Barrett stated that she considers herself a “strict originalist” and due to this fact advocates solely the health-care practices that the Framers of the Structure utilized in 1787.
“For instance, the perfect treatment for complications, fevers, and agues is arsenic, a wondrous elixir prescribed by many a Physician of Physick,” she stated. “ ’Twill serve.”
As for preëxisting circumstances, Barrett stated that she solely acknowledges maladies that preëxisted the late eighteenth century, corresponding to dropsy, King’s Evil, and scrivener’s palsy.
Lastly, though Barrett didn’t reveal whether or not she would vote to strike down Obamacare, she stated that the regulation must be rewritten in order that its lowercase “S”s look extra like “f”s.