There’s been a lot of backlash about why I, an esteemed twenty-eight-year-old life-style Insta influencer, was able to get the COVID-19 vaccine by calling myself a teacher. I’d like to sincerely apologize if I offended anyone. But I’d also like to say that I did nothing wrong.
First of all, there should be no question that I am, in fact, a teacher. Have I not taught you, my one million followers, how to improve your style by posing in new outfits every day? Have I not taught you how to make chocolate- chip cookies free of gluten and dairy and guilt? Have I not taught you how to improve your skin by buying creams, serums, and oils that will change your life as long as you’re willing to spend the necessary thousands of dollars on them? Have I not taught you how to work out by going live while I ride on my Peloton? And, most importantly, have I not taught you how adorable my fiancé and I are by posting my daily ussie? I’m pretty sure that those are all things you would not have learned without me.
But I’m sorry. Sorry that I got vaccinated so I could continue to be a good teacher and help you. Sorry that I just want to go back to a normal life so I can get my quarterly preventative Botox. Sorry that I hope to go to my own wedding in Mexico without worrying I might die. Yes, that’s right. I’m getting married in Tulum, in April. And before you berate me for that, let me remind you that I was supposed to get married last April, but I did the noble thing and pushed it a year.
What am I supposed to do—push it again? Not have a wedding at all? No one on our three-hundred-person guest list has to come if they don’t feel comfortable. Except for my seventeen bridesmaids—you girls know that I’ll leak your darkest secrets if you bail. And Jared’s groomsmen. And my family. And all of my other friends. I’m the bride and I deserve to marry the love of my life with peace of mind. I’m sure you can appreciate that. Also, Mexico needs our tourism. Sorry that I’m trying to keep their economy alive.
And, speaking of staying alive, you deserve to get vaccinated now, too! Here’s an educational, annotated list of some of the people who are approved to get it right now, other than us teachers:
Taxi and limo drivers. O.K., but what about people who want to ride in a taxi instead of taking the subway and getting run over by rats?
Restaurant workers. O.K., but what about people who actually eat in the restaurants, which is the only reason that the restaurant workers have jobs anyway?
People sixty-five and older. O.K., but what about people who are frequently around their sixty-five-plus parents because they wanted to live with them for a little bit to avoid doing their own laundry?
Public- transit workers. Again, the subway is disgusting. Do we really need public transit when we could all just pay for Ubers instead?
Public-facing grocery-store workers. O.K., so people who work at Whole Foods can get it but us regular shoppers, who need our thirty-dollar organic cashew butter, can’t?
As you can see, the rules are ridiculous. We all deserve the vaccine, me included. So, go get it! You’ll feel great.
I’m so glad and deeply grateful that my vaccinated self can now safely sell you all the outfits to wear for those Zoom meetings in which everyone is staring at themselves anyway.