Earth (NEW LISTING)
Look no further for your DREAM HOME! This CHARMING ball of fire, formed in the popular “sphere” style, is BRAND NEW and ready to support life! Conveniently situated right in the heart of the up-and-coming universe, just steps away from the infinite void, this is the IDEAL spot for a young couple of microbes looking to settle down and start a DNA sequence. Move in today!
Earth (TWO WEEKS ON ZILLOW)
This STUNNING open-concept planet is STILL available, but act fast—it is HOT, HOT, HOT! Old-world fire meets modern methane. 0 BR/19,000 volcanoes. Call today!
Earth (SIXTY MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
REDUCED PRICE! This pre-concept-of-war GEM has somehow STILL never been lived in!
Earth (THREE HUNDRED MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
This pre-prehistoric JEWEL has now been on the market for three hundred million years! What the HECK, guys?!
Earth (SEVEN HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
O.K., FINE! Nobody wanted to live in my hot boiling orb so I GUT-RENOVATED it! Now it has all the MODERN AMENITIES: metallic zircon crust, state-of-the-art slime, water. These changes cost a FORTUNE and took literally MILLIONS OF YEARS. I hope you’re HAPPY, you little SHITS. Call today!
Sun-Soaked Earth (NEW LISTING)
Hey, guys. Just wanted to say sorry for losing my cool before. The renovation actually totally paid off. I have tons of new tenants, including plants, bugs, and FISH! The FISH really have it all (vertebrae, scales, great public school system). We hang out all the time and I love them. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes the best things in life (FISH!) are worth the wait. Oh, also—looking for additional new tenants! Call now!
Luxury Earth with Private Pangaea (NEW LISTING)
PAMPER YOURSELF! This private planet has been lovingly refurbished with a full-service continent, including a Sub-Zero ice cap and convection volcanoes. Enjoy three-hundred-sixty-degree views, luxurious granite mountaintops, 24/7 gravity, and delightful FISH! Big lizards welcome.
Raw Earth (NEW LISTING)
BREATHTAKING raw space featuring DISTINCTIVE crater! A QUAINT fixer-upper with good bones (T. Rex) and freshly stained floors (blood). Former site of LUXURIOUS forests, current site of MASSIVE lizard murder. Plenty of SPACIOUS, new evolutionary niches because—did I mention?—it’s been TOTALLY FREAKING GUTTED. Like, it is IMPACT WINTER up in here. Dust EVERYWHERE. And don’t even get me STARTED on the HOMEY ATMOSPHERE I spent EONS cultivating, which is now PURE ACID. Looking for COOL new tenants. Dinosaurs NOT welcome. No freaking WAY are you getting your security deposit back, ASSHOLES.
Raw Earth (ONE WEEK ON ZILLOW)
The fish are O.K., though. Thank FUCK.
Lovingly Restored Multi-Mammal Earth (NEW LISTING)
A MAMMAL’S PARADISE! This cozy Milky Way getaway has been restored with GLAMOROUS walk-in caves featuring WARM, WELCOMING Neanderthals. Gorgeous high ceilings and exposed nipples. Biped-friendly; humans encouraged to apply.
Quiet, Tranquil Earth (NEW LISTING)
EXQUISITELY preserved home with brand new WORKING FIREPLACE! (Looking to sublet Pompeii.)
Well-Maintained Earth Needs New Tenants (NEW LISTING)
The humans are EATING all the FISH. I am DISTRAUGHT. Seeking new tenants ASAP.
Well-Maintained Earth REALLY Needs New Tenants (A THOUSAND YEARS ON ZILLOW)
S.O.S.! The humans have developed a weapon of mass fish destruction. They call it BOUILLABAISSE. Call now! Please!!
Remarkable Modern Earth (NEW LISTING)
BEAUTIFUL, SUN-DRENCHED planet TRANSFORMED by human touch. SWEEPING ancient land totally redecorated with lightbulbs and corn. TINY heating problem. STUNNING VINTAGE TREES on fire. The humans also redid all the floors in asphalt, which is a choice.
Rare Ruined Earth (NEW LISTING)
SUN-SCORCHED planet with plenty of natural DISASTERS. DRAMATIC rising seas, OVERSIZED garbage patch, COPIOUS mercury. The FISH are TRAUMATIZED. They have survived TRIAL after TRIAL (ice age, ice age, bears), but they are no match for the humans and their heinous FISH CRIMES (soup, climate change, microbeads). I am about to lose the BEST FRIENDS I ever had. FISH, know that I have always loved you and never imagined it would end this way. I did what I could. I am so sorry. Applicants must be NONSMOKING (Earth already smoking).
Amazing Value! (NEW LISTING)
GORGEOUS SUN-CHARRED vacant lot. VERY motivated seller.
