WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In response to the coronavirus pandemic, the White House is offering curbside pickup for Republican officials and other cronies who have ordered pardons from Donald J. Trump.
The White House made the decision to offer the contactless pardon-pickup option to accommodate the surging number of stooges and lackeys who have been shopping for pardons this holiday season.
Republicans looking to pick up their pardons may do so at a drive-through window outside the Oval Office from eight in the morning until nine at night, the White House announced.
Donald J. Trump or Mike Pence will personally dispense the pardons through the window, enabling pardon-seekers to remain safely in their cars.
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, urged Trump’s toadying enablers to pick up their pardons as early as possible. “Get your pardon first thing in the morning, and you’ll still have plenty of time to get to the Supreme Court to try to throw out the election,” she said.