Pizza pie / Amore.
Calzone / A comfortable relationship, but sadly one that is ultimately suffocating and not very healthy for you.
Lasagna / An extremely good orgy that, after attending, you feel deeply haunted by.
Timpano / The enormous dish at the center of the 1996 film “Big Night,” and a steamy romance with Stanley Tucci.
Apple pie / The classic dish at the center of the 1999 film “American Pie,” and a steamy romance with Jason Biggs.
Cherry pie / The classic dish frequently ordered by Agent Cooper in the television series “Twin Peaks,” and a steamy romance with Kyle MacLachlan’s antagonist in the show, Bob.
A baseball / A viral video followed by a personal apology visit from Mr. Met that goes very well, and could potentially lead to more. . . . He leaves it open, and is understanding of the fact that you are now hesitant about having a large baseball near your face.
A wrecking ball / A sombre funeral and a very unromantic lawsuit against a construction company.
An eyeball / Technically better than a baseball or a wrecking ball, but also somehow worse?
A flying dart / A trip to the E.R. and free drinks at your local bar for life.
A flying fish / A surprise that is even more shocking if you’re nowhere near a body of water.
A flying squirrel / A surprise that is acutely painful, but also painfully cute.
A contact lens / A happy coincidence—assuming that it is clean, of your prescription, and that you weren’t already wearing a lens in that eye.
A contact lens / A horrible coincidence—assuming that it just came out of someone’s else’s eye.
A contact lens that makes your eye look like one of Darth Maul’s eyes / A rollercoaster of emotion. First, excitement that you finally have a cool contact lens that you always wanted as a kid; then horror at the realization that it actually came from one of Darth Maul’s eyes and he’s standing right next to you and he is not happy about losing his contact; and, finally, dread, when you comprehend how dismal his eye health must be if he keeps colored contact lenses in 24/7.
Pluto / A long-term relationship that peters out after you discover that the person was never really who you thought they were.
The moon / A relationship in which the other person allows him- or herself to be truly seen, and no longer feels the need to describe their emotional state with similes.
