Hey, we’re here. Just found a great spot! Text me back if you’re having trouble finding us, but if you’re coming in near the arch just head straight and then left past that giant maple tree—you know the one I’m talking about. Not sure it’s a maple, but it’s big and it’s on the south side of the east entrance. We’re down the hill from that—not the big-big hill, but the biggish one with the slightly steeper slope. Once you get down the hill, look for the groups of runners who’ve just finished a 5K for breast-cancer awareness—not the American Cancer Society one, the Breast Cancer Research Foundation one. Once you pass them, head away from the reggae music and toward the other reggae music. Keep walking for a few minutes, then start counting quinceañeras. If you pass your fourth one, you’ve gone too far. Take a hard left at the third one, the one with the pink dresses. Soon after, you should end up near some people playing Frisbee. We’re not far from them. Make sure it’s the group with the guy who looks a little like a young Ernie Els, the golfer who came in second at the Masters in 2000 and again in 2004—just Google “Ernie Els Masters” so you have a mental image. Take a right past them, and you should see a guy with a bloody nose doing Tai Chi. On our way in, we saw him get into a little tussle with the Frisbee crew because they kept beaning him during his katas. Tai Chi is not one of the fighting arts, F.Y.I. You know where those built-in grills are, near the picnic house? We’re nowhere near there. If you walk in the direction of the sun, after a few minutes, you’ll cross a little bridge that leads into a side meadow. I forget if you were at that little get-together with my sister, last summer, in that area near the duck pond? There are a couple of ways to get to us from there, but the easiest is to rent a paddleboat and go due west toward the little-league fields. Where the algae bloom begins to thin out, you’ll see a few muddy landing areas—choose the one in the middle, with the one-eyed mallard perched on it. Once you’re back on foot, follow the less skunky of the marijuana wafts, and you’ll pass a handful of people doing workouts with their trainers. Make sure that the trainer shouting “Blam!” after each rep is on your left and the one shouting “Boom!” is on your right. Remember: blam—left; boom—right. Soon, you’ll see a big mommy-group up ahead—you can’t miss them, since they’re sitting in a huge circle. One of their kids is named Velcro, like the fastener. He’s a real piece of work, so listen for the mom screaming his name a lot. Velcro this, Velcro that—she’s all over him. Pass them and then walk a few minutes, and take the path to the right when you see a sad guy playing guitar. Not far from him, there’s a guy playing guitar who isn’t nearly as sad—don’t turn there. Make sure it’s the sadder guy. If you’re having trouble telling who’s who, turn at the one with the fuller beard and the larger Goldendoodle. We’re just up the way from there. Your best bet for navigating the final stretch is to use the kite photos that I marked up and am about to text to you as a guide—there are a bunch of kites up there today, so I tried to boil it down to the simplest sequence to get you to the classic diamond-shaped one that’s hovering above us right now. Once you spot it, look down, and we’ll be right there, with our picnic setup and balloons. I just noticed that everyone around us also has balloons, so I’m going to pop ours to make it easier to find us. We’ll be the only people without balloons. If you don’t see us right away, there’s a couple just two blankets from us who are really going at it. They might be having actual intercourse—it’s tough to tell, but their balloons are going crazy. If you don’t see them, look for the tot-soccer game right next to them, and then you’ll definitely spot us. We’re not in a yoga class, but one just kind of formed around us, so it might look like we are, if that helps. Honestly, not sure how much longer we’re going to last, because a few of us have to pee already and someone just downward-dogged our hummus all over our blanket. So, if we don’t see you guys, we should totally do this again soon! The park is so great.
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