My beloved daughter, over the past year, we have seen each other only on phone screens or through car windows. We missed out on celebrating birthdays, milestones, and cherished holidays together. And now that we are finally able to meet in person, in a socially responsible fashion, I just have to say—you look like you have a bit of a paunch coming on.
I know that, since last March, the only real thing marking the passage of time has been the need to eat one meal after another, to transition from drinking coffee each morning to wine each evening. Without external stimuli, it has been little more than this—a thankless cycle of ingestion moving your days forward. But, even so, you really only have to do a tiny bit to keep that extra weight off, I promise. Going on little walks every morning has worked wonders for your mother!
At your age, I wasn’t living through an extinction event that forced me to stay home for more than a year, but I managed to keep everything in check with a steady diet of carrot juice, cigarettes, and coffee. Things have changed somewhat since the seventies, but what hasn’t changed is that, if you find a good routine and stick to it, you can’t go wrong.
I appreciate that you put aside your ratty sweatpants and wore your “nice” jeans for this occasion, but the high-waisted look is not doing you any favors. It actually accentuates your midsection, which is how I noticed your little belly! Women should dress powerfully, and even though that concept is largely meaningless when almost no one is seeing you from the neck down, it’s still something you have to work on. I’ll lend you some of my waist-cinching belts—your husband will be grateful.
I was watching a movie about a restaurateuse the other day, and she moved through life with such confidence and wore the best trim skirt-suits. She reminded me so much of you, in that hers is the kind of go-getter life I’ve always envisioned for you. Even though nowadays no one is putting on a full suit to stay home, you can definitely prepare for the months ahead by doing step-ups and buying some pantyhose (she had great legs).
Despite everything that you’ve managed to achieve during this very difficult time, the true marker of success is never losing sight of what’s next. For you, that should mean trimming down to the size you were four years ago, when you were still at your old job, went to the gym before dawn three times a week, and were too busy to eat anything but granola bars for weekday dinners.
You should know by now that I will never change, and that reinforcing regressive stereotypes about the female body is one of the ways I express my love for you and insure your continued survival under the thumb of the patriarchy. Never forget that you are only as successful as I perceive you to be, including and especially in terms of your physical mass and absence of visible tattoos.
P.S. I found the pickle chips in your bedroom. I know that it’s been a long year, but this has to stop. Your sodium intake begets your water retention. (You’d know this if you’d read that article I sent you.)
