[heels click]
[Female Candidate Voiceover] My fellow Americans.
My name is something that doesn’t remind you
of a mean math teacher you once had.
And today, I’m announcing, in a voice with a pitch
and volume you find pleasing that I am running
for President of the United States.
I want to start off by saying that it’s true.
I do not have a background in public service.
I’ve spent most of my life doing something
that makes me seem capable yet unthreatening,
perhaps like the fresh-faced, nurturing camp counselor
who taught you how to swim.
Help.
However, what I lack in concrete political experience,
I make up for with one very important trait,
being a woman with whom you can empathize,
despite us not being sex partners and/or mother and son.
It is in this area of chillness
that I have served my country without fail and in doing so,
I have worn many hats, but not
in the annoying look-at-me-I’m-wearing-a-hat kind of way.
Indeed, I was the woman on the bar trivia team
who allowed her temperamental male teammates to scream
at her when she got the answer wrong.
I was the girlfriend whose birthday
I never guilted my adult boyfriend into remembering.
And now I am the candidate who is asking you,
if you wouldn’t mind, to please vote for me,
if you’re free that day or whatever.
For me, being likable and unthreatening to men
comes naturally, not unlike my thick eyelashes.
My hobbies include watching Marvel movies–
[boom]
[Inner Voice] Dead dogs can’t fly.
board games explained to me
and hanging out with your friends over mine.
And while these activities may not sound
like they qualify me for being president,
it seems pretty important to you all
that I constantly reiterate them anyway.
And yet I realize that I am up against
one of the most sympathetic male candidates
this race has ever seen.
There is no denying
my opponent is technically a grandfather,
and to that point, a father.
I’ll admit sometimes I wonder how I could compete
with a man who you can probably vaguely picture screaming
at a television he doesn’t agree with.
[glass breaks]
All I can hope is that voters will recognize what I bring
to the table as a candidate:
not making your skin crawl simply by being a powerful woman
who exists in a public space,
because I believe that together we can learn
from the mistakes we made in the past by focusing
on what matters:
the popular vote.
[patriotic music]
[slide whistle]
