You can finally watch “The Good Doctor” for the plot, rather than to spend forty minutes wondering whether you and a character on the show have the same rare genetic disorder for which you personally have zero symptoms.
At long last, you can get your eyes checked and stop suffering the frequent humiliation of waving at a stranger who you think is your friend.
Your actual friends will stop sending you pictures of their rashes and asking, “Does this look like a problem?” The ratio of dog-to-rash photos on your phone will improve significantly.
You won’t be so reticent about bringing up your partner’s weird mole, since you know that they can afford to have it checked out. It’s important that we all bring up our partners’ flaws more often.
The pressure to get married for health insurance will lift. Now you can get married for authentic reasons, like wanting to appear on “90 Day Fiancé.”
You’ll have a new excuse for backing out of commitments. “That sounds great, but my doctor—whom I see frequently, because of universal health care—said that I shouldn’t attend your gender-reveal party, as there’s always a risk of explosives, which can aggravate my A.D.D.”
If men get regular physical exams, they’ll have their height measured more often and will be less likely to list it incorrectly on dating apps. Actually—let’s be honest—they won’t.
Doctors will be allowed to take more breaks at work, which will not only improve the quality of care but will also make it possible for them to have more sex in the on-call room. Thus, “Grey’s Anatomy” will be rendered more realistic, and you’ll be ridiculed less for watching it. (Fun fact—it’s not a reboot; it’s Season 17.)
You’ll spend less time Googling symptoms now that there’s a professional whom you can call. Your partner will be less weirded out by your search history, although there’s still no explanation for “capybara in top hat, young.”
If your parents are currently paying for your health insurance, you can proudly inform them that you don’t need them anymore. They’ll be impressed by your independence, and you can use that leverage to ask them to invest in your boyfriend’s new skateboard-helmet line. They will be so pleased.
Having the same stable health insurance for years and years and years will teach thirty-two-year-old men that long-term commitment isn’t the most terrifying thing imaginable.
We’ll be more like Sweden. Everyone loves blondes.
Jeff Bezos may have to pay higher taxes, which will lead to more work for his accounting team. It’s not impossible that he’ll worm his way out of said taxes, but that’s honestly even more work for his accounting team.
Everyone will have the same quality of health care, so we’ll go back to judging one another on what really matters—social-media followings.
We’ll finally have a health-care system that rivals that of the rest of the world. We were always meant to be better than Canada, anyway.
Everyone will have health insurance!
There will be less complaining, over all. This is a double-edged sword, though, because it also will mean that you can’t complain as much.
