In Europe, they don’t eat dinner until eleven-thirty at night. Small children and the elderly are roused from a deep sleep to come down for dinner and are made to eat six-course meals. Four of the courses are different kinds of pasta. Then they go back to sleep.
In Europe, a man’s mistress comes over for dinner and eats with the entire family. Then she plays charades with everyone, and she usually wins. The man’s wife doesn’t mind, because she’s tired of charades.
In Europe, they do all the shopping for that night’s dinner the same day. If there’s any food left over from the day before, they throw it away. The cupboards must be kept empty for all the wine for the baby.
When you turn on a European faucet after noon, wine comes out. Before noon, it’s espresso. If you want water, you have to collect it from the village fountain, which has a high metal content owing to all the coins that were tossed into it by people making wishes.
In Europe, everything is powered by windmills. Instead of an electrical circuit breaker, European homes have a tiny windmill in the basement that a leprechaun is constantly blowing on.
In Europe, they don’t drive on the right side of the road. Most Europeans just ride around in a giant pocketbook, like in “Mary Poppins,” which observes no particular side of the road or any laws of physics.
In Europe, women don’t shave their armpits. Many actually add hair to their armpits which they have collected from pets and farm animals. On the other hand, all European men, without exception, shave their armpits. They go to a special European barbershop called an armpiterie.
Europeans are more sexually comfortable than Americans, because they have sex only while wearing culottes.
All the beaches in Europe are topless. Europeans are unfazed by breasts. When a European woman removes her shirt before having sex, the man usually replies, “Big deal. I don’t care about those at all.”
Europeans are thinner than Americans, because they consume olive oil instead of water. Even at the Tour de France, cyclists are handed tiny cups of olive oil to rehydrate. Being slippery is usually what makes all the bikes crash at the end.
Europeans eat smaller portions than Americans, because all the plates are small, from olden times. European factories still haven’t advanced enough to make bigger plates.
Instead of being born with arms, Europeans are born with baguette extremities. They nibble on their baguette arms throughout the day, and the baguettes grow back while they’re sleeping.
In Europe, there are only four actors, who appear in every TV show, movie, and commercial. Three of the actors are men with eccentric teeth. There’s one woman, and they have to replace her every few years, because she often dies of exhaustion.
Men in Europe carry purses. The purses are usually filled with blueprints of the Louvre, deeds to villas that you can buy for one dollar, and cheese that is being aged.
Europeans are less safety-conscious than Americans, which is why, on average, a European has three fewer toes than an American.
Europe is the continent of romance, which is why, each year, millions of Americans travel there for vacation. Few are ever heard from again. Investigations are pending. ♦
