Day One
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light, and it was good.
Then God’s boss asked Him to stay late and make the sky, too.
And God stayed late to create the sky, ignoring the sounds of the janitor’s vacuum. He created it, and it was good.
Day Two
On the second day of creation, before God clocked in, God’s boss told Him the light that He had created was good, but not great.
“And I took a peek at Your Plan, and I think You can speed it up, God. I’d like to see You create water, land, herbs, and trees today. And a better light.”
And God said, “That is a lot, but sure.”
And God’s boss said, “You’re a total rock star, and also God.”
So God quickly created water, land, herbs, trees, and a better light, and God’s boss said, “Let there be a smile, too.”
Day Three
On the third day, God’s boss explained that He would actually need to finish all of creation that day.
When God questioned the feasibility of that, His boss said, “I’m sorry, but on which day did You create all these excuses?”
So God said, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly every moving creature that hath life, great whales, and great—”
And God’s boss said, “You can just say fish.”
“Fish,” God repeated. Then God said, “Let every living winged fowl that may fly in the—”
“ ‘Birds’ is good,” interrupted His boss.
“Birds,” God said. “I suppose I’ll get rid of all creativity and just call them ‘beasts of the land,’ huh?”
And God’s boss asked, “Do You have a minute?”
God’s boss took God aside and told Him that He was being placed on a performance-improvement plan for His attitude.
When God went back to work, He finished His favorite part of creation: humans. God saw that the humans were good, and He gave them dominion over all of creation. Then He fell asleep at His desk and the motion-sensor lights turned off.
Day Four
On the fourth day, God’s boss woke Him up.
“Why did You give free products to the humans?”
“Products?”
“Everything You create on the clock, God, is a product owned by Heaven, L.L.C.”
“But I created the clock.”
“And we’re grateful for that. Listen, I have another update: We, meaning You, have to create another earth today.”
“What?”
“Our angel investors need to see that we have an efficient, replicable production process.”
So God sighed and said, “Let there be a second light, and a second sky, and a second land.” He created it all again, late into the night, even though He had tickets to see Hadestown with some friends.
Day Five
On the fifth day, God was promoted to Senior God.
“Senior God?”
“Yes! And Senior Gods get to create twenty-five earths per day!”
“More earths? Is that needed, or possible?”
“With You, God, all things are possible.”
And His boss handed Him a great spreadsheet with how long each task should take. God glanced at part of it:
| Project | Task | Time |
|---|---|---|
| Earth No. 76 | Camel | 4 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Cat | 6 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Caterpillar | 14 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Centipede | 12 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Chameleon | 6 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Cheetah | 8 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Chicken | 4 seconds |
| Earth No. 76 | Chinchilla | 17 seconds |
Then God exhaled, and got to work.
He created a third earth, a fourth earth, and a fifth and sixth earth. He texted His friend to ask if she could water His plants.
And then God had an idea. He said, “Let there be five tape recorders!” Onto them, He recorded the instructions for creation, and He pressed Play on the tape recorders to create the necessary number of earths.
And God looked upon the earths, and they were bad, but there were twenty-five of them.
Day Six
On the sixth day, God’s boss told Him that He was a genius and that He’d be making twenty-five tape recorders that day.
“But I like making earths.”
“You’re still making earths, kind of!”
“And these earths aren’t my best work.”
“Even better! We can sell upgrades. It’s all part of God’s Planned Obsolescence.”
And God said that He didn’t know if He wanted to do this.
And God’s boss called Him a Negative Nancy, which hurt His feelings.
So God buried His emotions in His work and created twenty-five tape recorders. And they were bad, and God didn’t feel good.
Day Seven
On the seventh day, God called in sick. Then He got an e-mail with no subject line and the message “Do You have a minute?” So God took some DayQuil and went to work.
There, a great Earth-Manufacturing Plant had been built. Inside, a chorus of thirty dead-eyed angels were seated before thirty O.K. tape recorders, pressing buttons that said “fish” and “birds” and “beasts of land.”
God wept for His angels being exploited—even some cherubs who were only a thousand years old. Then He looked down at His first Earth for the first time in a long time, and stormed into His boss’s office.
“What happened to the first humans?!”
“It’s actually a really funny story,” God’s boss said, and explained that the first earth was too close to all the tape recorders, so the sound pollution caused the humans to go mad and eat one another. It wasn’t actually a really funny story at all.
And God said, “What?!”
“I know, it’s very sad, but it is only one earth’s worth of humans out of the thousand we’ve made to date. A small sacrifice. And You love sacrifices!”
God left His boss’s office and created a new plan.
And God said, “Let there be a world where labor is not alienated, and labor value is not exploited. Let there be coöperation instead of never-ending, destructive, accelerated competition. Let the needs of my dear, sweet humans be at its center, not the rapid accumulation of profit. And let there be leisure and joy so that life can be light!”
But none of that happened. God was taken aside and told that His creation powers had been rescinded, and that the seventh day of creation was His last day.
“But . . . but . . . I’ve worked here since in the beginning!”
“And we’re grateful for that. Gabriel and Michael will escort You out.”
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the great I am! I am irreplaceable!”
“O.K., You’re not Beyoncé. And we found a cheaper replacement.”
As God was escorted out, He looked upon His replacement.
Jesus said to God, “Father, please forgive me.”
And God called His Son a scab.
And God was dragged out of the factory and cast into the Lake of Fired.
Day 1
On the first day of unemployment, God rested.
He created the first résumé, ordered Chinese food, and set up a Google alert for “entry-level jobs but also I’m God.”
God thought about His creations, and how bad they were, and wondered if He should’ve never taken a job at Heaven. His food arrived, and He tipped the delivery angel.
And God ate the Chinese food, and it was very good.
