The American Taxpayer can live on six hundred dollars. For how long? Indefinitely. Because this is the greatest country on Earth.
The American Taxpayer isn’t looking for a handout. He wants to work hard and prosper, but, given the choice between the two, he’ll settle for just working hard. Because he’s a patriot.
The American Taxpayer understands the value of all members of our society, including but not limited to the Wall Street élite, the Silicon Valley élite, the Hollywood élite, and people who are élite for nebulous reasons. America is a melting pot, after all.
The American Taxpayer is a docile breed of Taxpayer. Not like those Swedish Taxpayers, who expect services to be free just because they’ve already paid for them. The American Taxpayer understands that, when it comes to things like health care, you have to pay several times, and even then it’s a bit of a toss-up whether or not you’ll actually get the thing that you paid for.
Despite his financial support of this country, the American Taxpayer is not to blame for America’s woes. The woes were caused by us, the Government, and also Big Corporations, neither of which pays taxes.
The American Taxpayer wants a higher minimum wage. But he also wanted a sixth season of “Madam Secretary.” Which is to say, he doesn’t really know what he wants.
The American Taxpayer supports a diversity of ideas, anywhere on a scale from reasonable to Marjorie Taylor Greene. The American Taxpayer thinks that variety is the spice of life.
The American Taxpayer believes in equality. Tax everyone the same, regardless of income. Unless you’re really clever and find some nifty way out of it. Then you’ve earned the right to pay less. We’re sure that the American Taxpayer agrees.
Not only will the American Taxpayer accept lofty rhetoric in lieu of concrete action, the American Taxpayer actually prefers it. He can feed his family on words alone, assuming he comes from money.
The American Taxpayer’s signature scent has notes of mahogany mixed with fresh pine. Or, at least, the letter I just received from one does. What’s this? He wants more funding for public schools. No, that doesn’t sound like the American Taxpayer I know. I’m going to burn this letter and release carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
The American Taxpayer doesn’t want things to be much easier—he just wants them to be a little easier. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s a line from “The West Wing.” But it’s also true!
There’s no greater economic engine than the power of the American Taxpayer. So we may as well just sort of let him fend for himself. If he needs roads badly enough, he’ll scrape some together.
The American Taxpayer loves his insurance company. Sometimes, he’ll even call them just to chat! Fun fact: seventy per cent of the American Taxpayer’s leisure time is spent enjoying elevator music while on hold with Kaiser. Another fun fact: occasionally, the American Taxpayer calls my office just to chat, too. If I don’t pick up, he leaves a voice mail asking me to please protect the National Parks. (This is because he’s bored, I assume—can’t you just rewatch “Madam Secretary”?!)
Now that I take a closer look, the American Taxpayer appears a bit frustrated that Congress hasn’t done anything to help the working class, but instead keeps offering tax cuts to the one per cent. But at least he keeps these concerns to himself—because the American Taxpayer is humble.
The American Taxpayer is complaining an increasing amount, it seems. The American Taxpayer must be muted when commenting on my tweets.
If you do something to upset the American Taxpayer, you can always just post a picture of your dog. That’s a pretty good apology. Because the American Taxpayer forgives.
O.K., my bad—it seems that the American Taxpayer just voted me out of office. Boy, did I read this one wrong!
