TEXAS (The Borowitz Report)—Texans are “desperately nostalgic” for the wisdom of their former governor Rick Perry, a new poll shows.
From Houston to Lubbock, Texans said that Perry’s excellent judgment, sound decision-making, and sheer brainpower were sorely missed in the Lone Star State.
“I can’t tell you how many times over the past few days I’ve said to myself, ‘This wouldn’t be happening if Rick Perry were governor,’ ” Tracy Klugian, who lives in Houston, said. “That man had a mind like a steel trap.”
“To be honest, I didn’t appreciate Rick Perry’s mental sharpness and exacting attention to detail when he was governor,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Waco, said. “I guess sometimes you don’t really appreciate special people until they’re gone.”
Carol Foyler, of Galveston, said that nostalgia for the former governor is at an all-time high. “Everyone I know is thinking the same thing right now,” she said. “What would Rick Perry do?”
