WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to preserve Barack Obama’s signature legislative achievement, Senator Ted Cruz called the Affordable Care Act “a thinly veiled Democratic plot to keep people alive so they can vote.”
“A long time ago, Democrats figured out that live people were far more likely to vote than dead ones,” Cruz charged. “Make no mistake: the Affordable Care Act is a calculated scheme to increase the number of live people.”
He went on, “Democrats will stop at nothing to get people to vote. They will get them ballots. They will get them bottled water. And, yes, if necessary, they will keep them from dying of a preëxisting condition. It disgusts me.”
Cruz added that, unlike Democrats, Republicans have “no intention whatsoever of keeping people alive,” and pointed to Texas’s new “constitutional carry” gun law as a shining example.
