WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Plunging her reëlection bid for the United States Senate into uncertainty, Susan Collins announced on Monday that she was unsure whether she would vote for herself.
Collins, who had long been expected to back herself in 2020, said that nagging doubts about her record in the Senate had given her pause.
“For much of my career, I have been troubled and concerned about a whole range of issues,” she said. “The fact that I have been troubled and concerned as much as I have has left me troubled and concerned.”
Collins shed no light on her soul-searching process other than to say that she would spend the remaining hours until the election wringing her hands.
“I will make my decision when I am in the voting booth on Tuesday,” she said. “Or not.”
