Welcome back to the subway! It’s been a while. “But I’m scared!” you say. “What if I get eaten by a train?” In reality, you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than of being eaten by a train, so rest easy. I’m sure you have lots of questions, though. Lucky for you, this handy guide will help you remember how to be a subway pro!
Hey, it’s dark in here, and kinda creepy. What’s that smell?
While promotional images of the city’s subway system often depict picturesque panoramas, the reality is a bit different. These are large underground tunnels used by millions of people every day, and they require a lot of upkeep! As much as we wish today’s subways were like the versions we see in Renaissance paintings, we have to live with the subways we have.
What are all these letters and numbers? I’m not the famed mathematician Jules Henri Poincaré. Help!
Take it easy! You don’t have to be the famed mathematician Jules Henri Poincaré to grasp these symbols. It’s simple—the letters and numbers represent different subway lines. You see, not all subways take you to the same place, so it’s important to understand their routes. The best way to learn is by experience, so try a couple out and see where they go!
What should I do about a delay?
Nothing. You’re simply going to have to wait a little longer for your train to arrive. Beware of strangers who try to help you find alternative routes. For these people, subway riding is a game. They don’t care about you or where you are headed. They’re in it for the rush of excitement as they play out each scenario in their underground-labyrinth amusement park. They are cursed souls.
Aww! What’s that small creature eating trash?
That’s a rat. Sometimes called “rail puppies” or “garbage furs,” these precious critters roam the subway, cleaning up the mess that humans leave behind. They are similar to the ones in your apartment, but even bigger and cuter! Although they are adorable, it’s important not to get too attached to one. They have very short life spans; hence the old adage “Never name a subway rat.”
What’s that rumbling sound? It’s getting louder!
Relax! That’s the subway, and it’s almost here. When the entire train is visible, it will come to a stop, and the doors will open. That’s when you get on. Remember: Get on the train when you depart for your destination, and get off when you arrive.
O.K., I’m on a subway train. Who’s that guy over there?
Why, that’s a fellow passenger. Like you, he is heading to a destination. You may be very curious about where he’s going, but it’s best not to ask. In other situations it can be nice to talk to people. Not here.
Oh, I see. And is he . . . ?
No, he’s not the famed mathematician Jules Henri Poincaré. Unfortunately, Poincaré died in 1912 at the age of fifty-eight.
Ahhh! What is that horrible noise?!
Don’t be alarmed. That unintelligible sound is the conductor announcing the stop. It’s jarring at first, but over time you get used to it. After a year or so, you may come to enjoy it. In fact, many New Yorkers like to play the compilation disc “Best Subway-Stop Announcements” while relaxing.
Oh, my god! A celebrity!
Take a deep breath—calm down. Yes, it’s exciting, but in New York it’s actually considered gauche to gawk at celebrities. Famous individuals like Dr. Zizmor and Dan Smith ride the subway all the time, but they’re just trying to get to where they’re going, like everyone else. Don’t ask for an autograph. Even without one, you can brag to your friends about the time you saw Robin Byrd on the subway.
Whoa—what a beautiful painting!
That’s not art. It’s called a subway map, and it helps people figure out how to get to their destinations. And that human head partly obscuring it? Why, that’s another passenger! As with art, best not to touch.
I’ve been on this subway for a while. I’m bored!
Sometimes it can take some time to reach your destination. And, when the initial shock of being on a big train that goes fast wears off, it can get a little boring. But fear not! If you look around, there’s actually lots to do on a subway. Above you, there’s an advertisement. You can read that! And next to it is another one. You can read the whole row of advertisements, and when you’ve finished you can read them again. By the time you’re done, you’ll be eager to get home, sign up for Seamless, and place your first order.
Hey, it’s my stop!
Now is the time to get off the train! Do it quickly, before the doors close on you. Once you’ve exited, you’ll find yourself at a new stop, similar to the one where you entered, but different. The tiles may not be the same, or the graffiti. You’ll be a little disoriented. Look for stairs.
Stairs?
Yes, stairs! They go up and down.
Can I please keep a garbage fur?
No. As much as we all wish we could keep one of those chubby munchkins, subway rats belong in the subway and won’t last long in the outside world. There’s nothing more profoundly heartbreaking than a dead rat.
Well, that’s everything you need to know when riding the subway! If necessary, print this guide and take it with you. You may need to refer to it while riding on the subway the first few times. And please join us next week for “Hugs: What Are They, and Who Gets Them?”
