I believe in science—a bold political statement in this day and age. I trust the facts and figures and the stats, and yet I’ve had some numbers floating around my head for years that I never bothered to confirm.
Sixty per cent of marriages end in divorce. This seems low—do you mean to tell me that forty per cent of marriages end in death?
Every twenty minutes of jogging increases one’s life expectancy by an hour. I hate to be a wet blanket to all those joggers out there—actually, no, I don’t, you guys are so annoying—but if this is true then it means that you can live forever if you never stop running. Oh, god—what if that’s true?
Twenty per cent of businesses fail in the first two years. Are we including lemonade stands? Patreons? Me asking my mom for money? Me asking my dad for money?
One in four people have herpes. In that case, I owe the man whose number is saved in my phone as “Josh Hinge Herpes” an apology.
The Democrats have won the popular vote in six out of the past seven Presidential elections. No, come on. That can’t be true. There’s no way a system that broken would still exist.
The average woman’s salary is seventy-nine per cent that of the average man’s. That’s so embarrassing for us. Like, have you met men? They pee standing up, next to each other, into a trough. And they make more money? How? Why?
The average human has slightly less than one testicle. Still too many, in my opinion.
Only three per cent of the Earth’s water is drinkable. What per cent of the Earth’s Diet Coke is drinkable, though?
Only forty-seven per cent of the world’s coral reefs remain. Forty-seven per cent isn’t that low. It rounds up to fifty per cent, which rounds up to a hundred per cent.
Americans comprise four per cent of the world’s population and produce twenty-five per cent of the world’s carbon-dioxide pollution. We’re a productive people. I’ve never questioned that.
Since 1870, global sea levels have risen by eight inches. We get it. Some of you have beach houses.
More than a hundred million years of human life are lost every year because of pollution. Which years? Because I’d be down to retroactively shave a few months off 2020.
2019 was the second hottest year on record. And yet I still didn’t get laid.
Natural disasters cost us double what they did in 1980. Yeah, you think that’s bad? Check out the price of a sandwich.
More than a million species have gone extinct owing to global warming. O.K., but how many new species developed owing to global warming? (The three-eyed fish, anyone?)
Ninety-nine per cent of people will not read this text. Oh, sorry, just revisiting old texts from the Biden campaign.
The planet will overheat in eight years if we do nothing. Such a moving target—last year, they said that the planet would overheat in nine years if we did nothing. And, before that, it was ten. Where is the consistency?
By the year 2050, a hundred per cent of marriages will end with the Earth’s destruction. O.K., this is starting to sound bad.
By the year 2100, the average temperature will rise by 5.8 degrees owing to global warming. But, wait—you just said we weren’t going to make it to 2100!
There’s not really enough time for us to reverse course on Earth’s destruction. Well, that’s relaxing, at least.
Unless you and your entire generation commit yourself to it whole-heartedly. But what about brunch?
Do you want to have children? Do you want to live into your “Grace and Frankie” years? Do you want to ever be old enough to run for President? Who’s talking? Who are you?
You’re partially responsible. No, I’m not! I did meatless Mondays for a whole year!
At this point, the Earth would be lucky to get hit by an asteroid. Less painful that way than dying a slow, painful death because of our negligence. All those statistics were true, weren’t they? Damn it, I should have Googled them earlier!
I’m a hundred per cent that bitch. O.K., this one is definitely true.
