Drive your man wild in a sexy, satin corset. The padded cups are perfect for showing off your cleavage, as well as for storing those kinky sex toys that determine just how hot your bodies’ internal temperatures are, in case one of you accidentally coughs and you have to pause foreplay for a temperature check.
Turn off the lights in the bedroom and explore each other’s bodies. You’ll wake the neighbors with your intermittent yelps of surprise as you discover remotes you didn’t even know you owned, buried in the sheets. Your heart rates will soar at the possibility that maybe, just maybe, these remotes are to streaming services whose catalogues you haven’t torn through yet.
Here’s a fun role-play idea: Pop in a monocle and become Miss Petunia G. Havensworth, a nineteenth-century detective who always gets to the bottom of mysteries—such as the case of the birthmark on your partner’s shoulder that you’re convinced is melanoma. Make sure to wrap up with an erotic massage, using your favorite high-S.P.F. sunscreen, especially if this massage takes place right before your partner’s weekly walk to the bodega to restock on canned fish.
Throw on a sexy, sheer apron and make your partner’s favorite chili, “quarantine style,” which is a fancy way of saying “with loads of extra beans.” Quickly realize that this meal will follow his lunch of tacos, quarantine style, and chilaquiles, quarantine style. Forget about the sex—do you have Febreze and a face mask that completely blocks your sense of smell?
Stay up all night debating whether you should splurge on a BritBox subscription or explore sadomasochism by downloading Quibi.
Throw on some naughty librarian glasses and chastise your partner for having books that are way overdue, but it’s O.K.—you know just how they can pay the fines. Build anticipation by asking if your partner paid the gas bill this month. You will literally drive your honey wild when you mutually realize that your collective side hustles will never earn enough to keep the two of you afloat. Heat things up even more by suggesting that your partner go to grad school to become a C.P.A. when this is all over.
Feel like giving a spanking? Improvise by paddling your husband with the plastic spatula that you got as a wedding gift five years ago. The way it has melted and warped will add a little sting to the proceedings, and might just convince him that, all right, spending four dollars on a new spatula is perfectly reasonable when you haven’t been to a bar in six months.
Drive your partner wild with some crotchless panties. No, no—the kind of panties that are designed to be crotchless. Bring a third party into the mix by ordering some new panties, slipping the Amazon delivery driver a hefty cash tip, and riding the ecstasy of that social interaction for weeks.
Is it sexy to wear your guy’s oversized white button-down and stand in the bedroom doorway, looking at him longingly with a wry smile on your face? Oh, yes. Is it equally sexy to wear the oversized T-shirt that you got for free at a bar, on St. Paddy’s Day, which reads “KISS ME, I’M DRUNK,” and wryly smile through your mouth guard? No. Objectively, it just isn’t.
Create a soundscape to set the mood, by playing the FiveThirtyEight podcast. Nothing fires up your partner like hearing Trump’s dwindling polling numbers, though any mention of the strong, decisive Anthony Fauci may give him performance anxiety.
Cuddle up on the couch while binge-watching all of the “John Wick” movies. If this leads to sex, cool. But if not? Those “John Wick” movies are thrilling and among the six films in existence that you haven’t watched yet.
If all else fails, light some candles and share your hottest fantasies, like imagining your lives if your rent-relief application had actually been approved.
