Do you miss the sounds of the nineteen-eighties? Would you do anything to get them back? Now you can have them delivered straight to your home. They’re all here in the incredible compilation album “Sounds of the Eighties,” which includes hits like:
And more!
I’m Mark Goodman and I’m Martha Quinn. (I’m both.) You remember watching me on MTV—hanging out at the mall and struggling to solve that Rubik’s Cube. And I’m here to tell you that “Sounds of the Eighties” also features:
“Sounds of the Eighties” is no ordinary mixtape. It contains every chart-topping song of the nineteen-eighties, and every other noise made on Planet Earth during the ten years between January 1, 1980, and December 31, 1989. Vacuum cleaners. Whispered secrets. Farts. You name it! All in a handy four-hundred-billion-CD set.
It was the decade when the Berlin Wall tumbled down. And you can actually hear Communism’s fall, along with everything the Stasi recorded—not to mention everything they missed.
To order “Sounds of the Eighties,” just send us a check or money order for $19.95. You’ll get the first seventeen thousand CDs within thirty days. Then we’ll send you seventeen thousand additional CDs each month, for only $19.95 per installment, until you reach the full four hundred billion.
There’s no obligation. You can cancel anytime. But you won’t—not when you hear your speakers play:
You’ll love singing along to at least two of those. (It’s tough to remember all the verses of “Hold Me Now.”) “Sounds of the Eighties” is convenient. You can play it in your car, burn it to your computer, or listen to one disk on headphones as you organize some of the other disks. The commemorative liner notes answer questions like “Which animal made that shriek?” and “Which mug did Mom break right before cursing over and over again, releasing tension built up over what had been a really difficult month?”
Plus:
For the first time, all the auditory emissions of the eighties are together in one place. Even cicadas. Don’t waste any more of your time browsing the Web, rifling through the stacks at the used-cassette store, or building a time machine. This is far easier, and only costs around one-millionth of one cent per minute. Order today, and get jammin’ to:
Your nostalgia kept you warm for years, as life became more and more complicated. But now, in the harsh light of all the things you never previously heard, even that comfort cannot survive. You never really knew anyone. But forget the cruel gossip, skip ahead, and unwind with tracks including:
“Sounds of the Eighties” is not sold in stores—it won’t fit in stores.
We regret to inform you that “Every Heartbeat,” by Amy Grant, isn’t on “Sounds of the Eighties.” We know that the song, which reached No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, has an aesthetic that you might think belongs in the nineteen-eighties—but it was released in 1991. Still, the collection does include every heartbeat of Amy Grant, and of every other living thing, from throughout the decade.
Also, “Every Heartbeat” is available on “Sounds of the Nineties,” a four-disk compilation of songs that were popular in the nineteen-nineties.
