WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Richard Burr, Republican of North Carolina, said on Monday he was furious that senators were given “no advance notice whatsoever” to buy stock in the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer.
After Pfizer’s stock price surged, following news of its promising coronavirus vaccine, a visibly irate Burr held an impromptu press conference to express his outrage at having been “totally blindsided.”
“When I ran for the United States Senate, I did so with the clear understanding that, if elected, I would receive stock tips of the highest possible value,” the senator said. “I feel like, today, that trust has been profoundly betrayed.”
Burr said there was “absolutely no excuse” for advance news of Pfizer’s vaccine trials being withheld from him.
“I know the excuses that I’m going to hear,” Burr said. “Yes, we’ve been distracted by the election. Yes, we’ve been distracted by the economic crisis. But, heavens to Betsy, this is my portfolio we’re talking about.”
