WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After an extensive debate and much hand-wringing, House Republicans have decided to forgive Representative Liz Cheney for having a conscience.
The decision came despite the objections of a sizable faction of the G.O.P. conference, which warned that allowing the Wyoming congresswoman to possess a moral compass could set a dangerous precedent that other rogue members might follow.
“We Republicans have had the great good fortune of being unburdened by principles for as long as I can remember,” Representative Jim Jordan warned. “This could be a slippery slope.”
Hoping to silence such arguments, the House Minority Leader, Kevin McCarthy, characterized Cheney’s momentary flareup of rectitude as “an isolated incident.”
“Look, people make mistakes,” he said. “Liz’s dad shot a guy in the face. Liz had a case of scruples. In both instances, the lesson is, let’s not let it happen again.”
McCarthy implored his fellow-Republicans to forgive Cheney if she would undergo three hundred hours of rehabilitation under the care of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene.
“Marge has never suffered from having a conscience,” McCarthy said. “I believe that will rub off on Liz.”
After she agreed to the daunting task of rehabilitating Cheney, Representative Greene received a standing ovation from the Republican gathering.
“My work is done,” McCarthy said.
