Quarantine Brain: A Self-Diagnostic Guide

Does your mind feel a bit mushy after months of endless isolation, screen time, and obsessive documentation of your house plants’ growth? Well, fear not! Chances are you’re just experiencing a temporary and highly unofficial condition known as Quarantine Brain. Check this guide to see if you exhibit one or more of the following symptoms.*

You put more thought and energy into figuring out what to eat for dinner than you did planning your two-hundred-person wedding.
You went through a phase in which you referred to your daily doomscrolling as “holding office hours,” despite the fact that the scrolling usually occurred not in an office but in the bathroom, and also you stopped keeping track of hours back in Octember.
You tap items that are not your phone in an attempt to wake their screens and check for notifications. These items might include but are not limited to television remote controls, breakfast bars, and children’s foreheads.
You find yourself getting into pointless arguments with your new roommate, who is a tall, curvy floor lamp named Clarence.
You’re on a Zoom call with your extended family and suddenly forget your cousin’s husband’s first name, despite the fact that you have known him for six years and vacationed together last summer. You play it safe by calling him “dude” for an hour, then pretend your Internet craps out when your aunt starts looking suspicious.
You open the refrigerator to grab a piece of fruit, but suddenly recall that the nutritional content of a cold slice of pizza is about the same. After all, what are pepperonis but small, flat, greasy apples?
You pick up your phone to call back your dad, but end up skimming through Martha Stewart’s Instagram until you reach her infamous pool selfie. You briefly forget that you even have a father.
You can only answer five of the clues in the daily crossword puzzle. Normally, you get six. Oh, wait, this is Sudoku.
You return home after picking up your child from day care. When he removes his mask, you realize that you have not picked up your son but, rather, his best friend, Edwin. (If this applies to you, stop reading and return Edwin immediately. His mother is looking for him!)
You are making a cocktail based on a recipe you found on Martha Stewart’s Web site, which you visited after you reached the bottom of her Instagram feed. You lose track of whether you’ve already added the ounce and a half of vodka it calls for, so you add more vodka, just to be safe. An hour later, you conclude that you had in fact already added it, as you waltz around your living room with your golden retriever. (No, Clarence, you can’t cut in! Ugh, stupid Clarence.)
You call your boss “Mom” during a conference call. Not only is he not your mom but he is significantly younger than you. This also reminds you that you still have not called your dad back.
You can’t get through the first chapter of your book because you’re swiping down the page with your finger instead of turning it. But, hey, that’s what you get for trying to read a book, like some old-timey weirdo.
Andrew! That’s his name! Andrew.