Hello and welcome to our first showing of this exclusive pre-quar listing. Full disclosure, the apartment hasn’t even hit the market yet—we weren’t sure how long this whole isolation thing was going to last. But now that it looks like the answer is “forever,” you can bet that this baby’s going to skyrocket in appeal.
We’ll start right here in the foyer, which, as you can see, is expansive and conjures visions of a bygone era, replete with stumbling-drunk entrances while holding onto a stranger you met at the bar that night, and visits from neighbors you greet without instinctively backing up.
Now, on to the apartment itself, which has a naturally sunken living room as a result of so many people having gathered in it at one time. Rumor has it that as late as 2019, this unit held a housewarming with over fifty people! If you look carefully at some of the furniture, you might even be able to see the original wine stains.
As we move into the kitchen you can really start to appreciate the original pre-quar detailing, like this kitchenette so small you actually have to touch knees to sit at the table with someone, and the ornamental ceiling molding. No, m-o-l-d-i-n-g. As in, from bits of food that got stuck up there during ambitious dinner parties. Amazing, right? It’s as if you can feel the past open-mouth breathing through the walls.
Remember, these apartments were built to last. In contrast to newer developments, this unit features sturdy, hand-finished walls smothered in who-knows-how-many germs and a layer of lush carpeting that simply can’t be disinfected. Sure, the bathroom is on the smaller side—people didn’t use to spend hours dissociating in the bathtub—but that’s just another quirk that makes this historic place so special.
I’m so glad you asked about ventilation! There isn’t any.
Location-wise, you’re looking at a total gem. You’ll be only a handful of blocks from multiple trains, as if proximity to safe, public commuting options still mattered at all. There’s also no laundry in the building, you lucky duck. That means you’ll get to frequent the local laundromat and touch thousands of dirty quarters!
If you’re wondering about the security of your investment, rest assured that market data strongly suggests pre-quar units will only appreciate in value as the pandemic rages on and the era known as the Before recedes further into the distant past. Just in case you were worried!
Hang on one second, I’m getting a text. Oh, you know what? This just got snatched up by an all-cash buyer. Sorry about that! These pre-quar units go fast. Would you like to see a comparable unit next door?
