Me: Didn’t see my friends for seven months because of the lockdown.
Tech Billionaire: Didn’t see my friends for seven months because I don’t have any friends.
Me: Felt bad when I broke the rules and got within six feet of my friends.
Tech Billionaire: Felt bad when another tech C.E.O. got within two billion dollars of my net worth.
Me: Haven’t gone for a haircut because the salons were closed.
Tech Billionaire: Haven’t gone for a haircut because I don’t have very much hair.
Me: Lockdown in my studio apartment.
Tech Billionaire: Locked Trump out of my service, after he violated our policies for the nine-millionth time.
Me: Let my sink leak because I didn’t know how to fix it.
Tech Billionaire: Let my user data leak because I was too busy waxing my mustache to fix it.
Me: Felt rich because I received a six-hundred-dollar stimulus check.
Tech Billionaire: Felt rich because I have made billions since the start of the pandemic. Also felt cheated because I did not receive a six-hundred-dollar stimulus check, so e-mailed my friend at the Treasury and he hooked me up.
Me: Waited eight hours to get vaccinated.
Tech Billionaire: Waited eight hours to delete my tweets about AstraZeneca, because apparently I’m not the one who decides which vaccines get approved? Seems unfair.
Me: Went on a socially distanced date.
Tech Billionaire: Went on an emotionally distanced date. Billionaires are, like, really guarded.
Me: Voted by mail in the most important Presidential election of my lifetime.
Tech Billionaire: Attempted to influence social-media algorithms in the most important Presidential election of my users’ lifetimes.
Me: After months of just scrolling on my phone, decided to read a book.
Tech Billionaire: After months of insuring that people did nothing but scroll on their phones, decided to write a book about myself.
Me: Spent my free time in quarantine figuring out how to pronounce “X Æ A-12.”
Tech Billionaire: Gave my newborn son a beautiful name too unique to be pronounced by plebeians.
Me: Resigned myself to the fact that my time on earth is limited, so I might as well make the Bon Appétit focaccia again.
Tech Billionaire: Resigned myself to the fact that my time on earth is limited—because I’m gonna build a colony in freaking space, bitch! See you on Mars! (Probably only if you are also a billionaire, though.)
Me: Started bathing in hand sanitizer.
Tech Billionaire: Started bathing in money.
Me: Wondered how COVID-19 could spread so fast.
Tech Billionaire: Wondered how COVID-19 could spread faster than our Android downloads.
Me: Spent way more money than I made—but Postmates is so tempting!
Tech Billionaire: Made way more money than I could ever spend, ever, in literally hundreds of thousands of lifetimes. Also, bought Postmates.
Me: Made a five-hundred-dollar donation to COVID relief.
Tech Billionaire: Made a several-billion-dollar donation to COVID relief, which is still somehow a shamefully small percentage of my net worth, but I need to save some of that money in case Jupiter someday becomes inhabitable.
Me: Wondered if all my friends hated me for tweeting too much.
Tech Billionaire: Wondered if everyone hated me for literally destroying the economy, then decided that if they did it’s just because they’re restless. Everything’s fine.
Me: Could have learned to cook but instead just lived off canned beans.
Tech Billionaire: Could have fed everyone in the world if I wanted to, but didn’t. Wait—there are people who eat beans out of a can? Ew. Someone should help them! Not me. I’m busy. But can’t we tax the middle class more, or something?
Me: Felt ugly.
Tech Billionaire: Was ugly.
