It’s been a very weird year in movies, what with the thing and all. But, the other day, as I was sitting alone, watching older and newer movies, I got to thinking about films I love and actors I love—and so I naturally started to think about the character actor Richard Kind. If you don’t know who Richard Kind is, don’t even Google it. This piece is not for you and goodbye.
Here are movies that would have been better with Richard Kind in them.
“Home Alone” (1990)
This film is missing Richard Kind. Here’s how he could have and should have been in it.
Richard plays a police officer, who, as the burglars Harry and Marv close in on Kevin, answers the child’s 911 call. Richard doesn’t believe Kevin. Richard is very good at this kind of thing. He plays the tickled skeptic probably better than any actor alive. Kevin would be frantically telling his story—that he has set up multiple booby traps to avoid being murdered by two adult men—and Richard would say things such as “Is this a prank call?” and “Am I being pranked?” And then, as Kevin continues his tale, Richard would say something like “Andy, is this you?” and Kevin would respond, “No! This is Kevin.” And Richard would respond, “And I’m Santa Claus . . . ” Something like that, but better. Richard would improvise something better.
Anyway, this back-and-forth causes Kevin to get more and more shouty while Richard becomes more and more amused. The scene ends with Richard, convinced that the call is a prank, hanging up on Kevin.
Bottom line: the extra success Richard Kind would have brought to the film probably would have been enough to make Macaulay Culkin turn out O.K.
“Bull Durham” (1988)
You have several out-of-shape, frumpy coaches and assistant coaches in this film and you didn’t cast Richard Kind as a single one of them? What in the ever-loving fuck? I guess the writer/director Ron Shelton doesn’t like Academy Awards, or doing a good job making movies.
Anyway, here’s a scene everyone missed out on:
Kevin Costner as Crash Davis strikes out. He breaks his bat over his knee, and sits enraged and silent in the dugout. Richard Kind pops a squat next to him. There is a pause. Kevin Costner was already annoyed, and the presence of Richard’s character is not going to help things.
This is gonna be good.
Richard Kind softly says, “I’m compelled to tell you, Crash—can I call you Crash? Great nickname by the way . . . ” No response from Costner, who just icily stares straight ahead.
Perfect.
“Anyway,” Kind continues, “as the hitting coach—and please don’t take this as a criticism, because you’re very talented, and you’re a much better ballplayer than I ever was—but I feel it incumbent upon myself to tell you that you currently have a little hole in your swing. Just a little hole. Nothing big. Tiny, tiny hole. Teensy-weensy hole. And perhaps, if you close that hole, you may have better success in the future. From a hitting perspective.”
When Kind is done, there is a pause. The audience is on tenterhooks because of the tension created by Kind’s perfect nebbish delivery juxtaposed with Costner’s confident yet ultimately vulnerable jock persona. And then Costner simply utters, “Fuck off,” and leaves Kind by himself on the bench.
Kind, true to form, buttons the scene by saying, to no one in particular, “Well, that went better than expected.”*
“Spotlight” (2015)
DON’T GIVE ME THIS SHIT THAT RICHARD KIND CAN’T DO DRAMA. I THINK HIS FELLOW-NOMINEES—WHOM HE TROUNCED ON HIS WAY TO A DRAMA DESK AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING FEATURED ACTOR IN A PLAY FOR HIS PORTRAYAL OF MARCUS HOFF IN “THE BIG KNIFE,” WHICH WAS ON A LITTLE THING CALLED BROADWAY—WOULD BEG TO DIFFER. AS WOULD THE DIRECTORS OF HIS WORK IN THE FILM “A SERIOUS MAN.” UH, YEAH, THAT WAS THE COEN BROTHERS. AND, UH, YEAH, THEY DON’T CAST NO SCRUBS.
Anyway, Richard plays a priest who molests children and he nails it.
“2001: A Space Odyssey” (1968)
I think we can all agree that the mood on the ship could use a little lightening up. And I don’t want to hear about how “ ‘2001’ is already a darkly funny movie.” Blech. There’s funny and then there’s Richard Kind funny, O.K.? Also, how good of a twist would it have been when Richard Kind’s character turns evil because he’s been possessed by Hal?
Side note: don’t even try to argue that Richard Kind was only twelve when this movie came out. One, he can play anything. And, two, Richard Kind has always looked the way he looks, and he’s always been about fifty-eight.
Anyway, Stanley Kubrick, you blew it, and I’m glad you’re dead.
“Major League” (1989)
Same character as in “Bull Durham.”
“Clue” (1985)
I don’t have to sell you on this. You know how this works. You’ve known it all your life. You can see it. You know how his character would fit into the ensemble. You know Richard Kind’s face would make sense with all the other faces. You know how his character would be dressed. You know how people would react to his character and how his character would react to the other people. You’re now asking yourself, “Wait, Richard Kind isn’t in ‘Clue?’ ”
No, he isn’t. And that’s how we know there is no God.
“Portrait of a Lady on Fire” (2019)
The fatal flaw of this film is that the aforementioned portrait is of a lady and not of Richard Kind, who, in all respects, is most definitely on fire.
“The River” (1951)
This writeup is from Martin Scorsese’s picks for the top ten films in the Criterion Collection.
I’ve made some edits and additions in bold:
“Mad About You” (all eight squandered seasons)
This wasn’t a movie. It was a TV show. Had it been a movie, and had that movie been without Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt, and had it just starred Richard Kind playing whatever character he played—I don’t remember what his relationship was to everyone else on the show and it doesn’t really matter—it would have been a lot better. A lot.
The dog can stay.
*I want to address what you might be thinking: Isn’t this basically Robert Wuhl’s character in “Bull Durham?”
Shut up.
