Date: December 26th
From: God
To: Angels
CC: Apostles, Shepherds
Subject: Introducing . . .
Mary and I are overjoyed to officially announce the birth of our healthy baby boy last night, at 9:58 P.M., on the tenth day of Tishrei, 3758!
Mom and baby are both doing fine. I, on the other hand, am exhausted. Happier than I’ve ever been, but exhausted. Seriously, haven’t been this tired since I created grass. (That’s the last time I do an entire plant species by hand. What was I, high? Gabriel, don’t answer that.)
But like I said, everybody’s doing fine and resting comfortably. Well, as comfortably as you can rest in a stable. I hate to name names, but this is what you get when you let Selaphiel book your travel. Seriously, guys, please don’t make me waste my time micromanaging you. I say three stars and up for a reason. I can sense some of you rolling your eyes, but it’s bullshit like this that keeps me from finishing my novel!
Anyway. Our little guy clocked in at seven pounds, six ounces, and twenty and a half inches long. And I say “guy,” but who knows how this little critter will end up identifying? Male, female, trans, nonbinary—we’ll love this kid just the same. As long as he doesn’t eat shellfish. Then he’s fucking dead to me.
Now, I probably shouldn’t mention this before the bris, but screw it—I’m almost positive we’re naming him Skylar. Pretty cool, right? It’s either that or Jesse. Although after seeing what Mary went through, I should probably just let her name him whatever she wants. It was a rough birth, guys. Two words: uterine shearing. Yeah. Not sure what I was thinking when I came up with childbirth. Must have been when I was watching those “Saw” movies. You haven’t seen those yet, but they’re amazing. Heads up, the franchise drops off after II, but just hang in there till VI—trust Me.
So, as some of you might already have heard, we had been working with a birthing center in Nazareth and planned on having a water birth attended by our doula. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. Mary ended up going into labor while we were on our babymoon in Bethlehem. All we wanted was a quiet weekend to relax, reconnect, and binge-watch this new tile mosaic we’re obsessed with that depicts a Roman emperor falling in love with a bull. We were right in the middle of the second wall when her water broke.
But even though the birth didn’t go as planned, it all turned out O.K., and I want to highlight the incredible work of our support staff at the stable—a pair of donkeys named Rafa and Olive. You guys went above and beyond. This is exactly why I chose your species to survive the meteor and repopulate the Earth in 2021.
Now, I don’t want to go any further without giving a special shout-out to Joseph, who has been a rock star throughout this entire process. We didn’t pack enough snacks in the baby bag, and when I started getting peckish, this hero went out and raided a date grove. Brought back a bushel and kept us going all night. Seriously, pray to this guy, not me.
Mary is recovering well. I think. Right now she’s doing this skin-on-skin thing with the baby, and I wish you could see it. It’s a bonding ritual and it’s heartbreakingly sweet. She’s just holding him against her chest. She’s also crying softly. She hasn’t really stopped crying since I met her, actually. Ah, well, that’s all gonna change. She’s got a birthday coming up and I planned this big day out. We’re going to drive to Galilee to see this flutist she’s crazy about, and then stay overnight at an inn. What can I say, you only turn fifteen once.
Many of you have already been so generous and continue to reach out to see if there are items we need to outfit our place for Skylar/Jesse. We took the liberty of putting together a registry—but, of course, no pressure whatsoever. We’re just happy to have you sharing in this moment of joy.
Speaking of sharing in it, we’re thrilled that so many of you are excited. But please, no more unannounced visitors. It’s not that we don’t want to see you, but really—it’s not so “wise” to drop in on new parents and their baby twenty-five minutes after a birth. I don’t want to get too graphic here, but just to paint a quick picture: placenta, feces (human and donkey), mucus plug.
Our visitors from last night did come bearing gifts, though. Thanks for that, gentlemen. Really useful. Because that’s just what two overwhelmed, first-time parents need: myrrh. Not to be a bitch, but it took three hours to make that registry. So for any future gifts, refer to that. I know it’s not the most fun thing to buy, but we could really use some baby-safe corner guards.
Stay tuned for details on the bris. We’re going to have “bagels.” I just invented them—you’re gonna shit yourselves.
Love,
God, Mary, and little baby Stormi (getting warmer? I don’t know—I’m wingin’ this!)
