With a widely accessible COVID-19 vaccine on the horizon, it’s time to consider the daunting possibility that we may have to start wearing pants on first dates again. You likely have forgotten how, but fear not—our soon-to-be-ex-Commander-in-Chief has set a shining example of what not to do as you reintegrate into society. There’s much that we can learn from his transition out of office.
If you’re interested in dating lawyers, you can just download the League or EliteSingles. You don’t need to file eight hundred and forty-two baseless lawsuits just to meet more of them.
Specify the exact address of a first date. You don’t want your crush to get lost or confused—because, honestly, there are a lot of Four Seasons. Also, your date is at a Four Seasons? You nabbed a rich one—nice.
Don’t steal toilet paper from a restaurant. Stockpiling may have created the illusion of security for your butt during the pandemic, but now America actually has someone interested in protecting our asses. Just because certain people in the White House are hoarding and hiding national-security reports doesn’t mean that you have to do the same with your paper goods.
Instead of negotiating how to split the check after a meal, spend your energy hashing out who will donate to the Reverend Raphael Warnock’s campaign and who will contribute to Jon Ossoff’s. Working together to fight for a better Senate is a great litmus test for a relationship. Also it’s a great way to distract your date as he or she just pays the whole bill.
If your date invites you home for a nightcap, do not barricade yourself in the bathroom, introducing the possibility that you will need to be forcibly removed. You really want to save the handcuff imagery for consensual activities in the bedroom.
If you’ve tried twenty-two times across nine states to turn your vibrator on and it still won’t start, you need a new one. Don’t hire more lawyers, and definitely don’t keep turning it on and off—it’s dead.
You’re allowed to declare your relationship “official” even if your new partner’s ex has not accepted their breakup. Some people just never accept the results, no matter how much evidence suggests it’s over. (You’re still not allowed to declare your relationship “official” if your new partner doesn’t want to, unfortunately.)
If you run into an ex who claims to be doing really well since your breakup, take credit for the way that his or her life has improved since meeting you! Same goes for the stock market.
If your friends support every crazy idea that flits through your head, they are bad friends. If they tell you it’s O.K. to sleep with your toxic ex, they’re bad friends. If they tell you it’s O.K. to keep contesting in court an election that was called more than a month ago, they’re bad friends. Or bad offspring. Or Mitch McConnell—the baddest friend of all.
You may feel especially desperate for affection after so much isolation, but texting “STOP LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE ON TINDER” or “STOP COUNTING THEIR VOTES” will only push people away.
Do not attempt to hide out on a golf course from lovers you’ve scorned. We can all see you.
Everyone needs a little bit of time to grieve the end of a relationship. If you’re going to dispute the results and/or plan a coup, do so in private and not on social media. Definitely don’t talk about it with a reporter from the New York Times. Or OANN. Actually, don’t ever say anything to a reporter from OANN.
Ah, well, now that the relationship has gone down in flames, at least you can take your pants off again.
