There are so many problems plaguing the world today.
Militarism, racism, Chrissy Teigen’s Twitter. (Why does she keep tweeting about how rich she is? We have a rich-person group chat for that.)
Also, the bees are not doing great. But who is—am I right? Ha, ha. Definitely not my butler, I’ll tell you that. I had to fire him after he asked for health insurance.
I know that, as a billionaire, I could solve these problems with the pocket change I spent on getting my head industrially waxed with whale blubber. (Whoops, add “Save endangered species” to the to-do list!)
I also know that, as a politician at the upper echelons of power, I could invest in things like education, health care, and housing, instead of just throwing everyone in jail.
But America isn’t about a few people with all the resources solving problems. It’s about all of us doing our part.
Every teacher, every cashier, every mailman (and mailwoman! It’s 2021—women can also live paycheck to paycheck now) must do their part in creating a better world.
Because, if you work hard, risk everything, and become deeply in debt, you, too, can achieve your dreams. Have you seen “The Pursuit of Happyness”? That movie made more money than I did off the Iraq War.
The point is, nothing sets you apart from me. Sure, I have money. But people with money are just people without money, except we have money. We are equals.
The solution isn’t politicians giving handouts or billionaires being taxed more. The solution is people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and solving problems themselves.
So, let’s go save the world. You in? Here’s how:
Donate to every GoFundMe. For each dollar you donate, I will match your donation with a dollar I made from exploiting the Global South.
Recycle. Don’t use plastic straws. Turn the tap off. Just stop drinking water altogether. This will leave more for corporations to consume. And they create jobs at some point, probably.
Adopt all the bees.
Spread awareness to your seventy-four social-media followers by tweeting #FuckModi. (Unfortunately, I can’t really pick sides right now—it’s all so complicated!)
When in doubt, call your elected officials. We work for you. We want to hear from you. And our voice-mail boxes are full.
Purchase your world-saving equipment from Amazon. Amazon cares about bringing people together, as long as those people aren’t coming together to form a union.
My intern does such good work, and she only gets paid in salad ingredients. Can someone start a GoFundMe to pay her a living wage? Also, find out what her name is.
You got this far down the list and haven’t even considered trying thoughts and prayers?!
Why not grab a shovel and some cement and fix potholes yourself? Why not grab a ladder and some bricks and build housing for the entire homeless population?
Eat out every night at a local restaurant. They got hit hard during the pandemic. And we’re busy saving Exxon and Southwest, so it’d be nice to get small businesses off our plate.
Instead of asking to increase the minimum wage, increase your positivity. You can still buy, like, five McChickens.
Riot gear and tear gas are expensive, so we don’t have a lot left for school supplies. Could you spot us for textbooks? Oh, and, while you’re at the store, pencils, too.
Eat healthy, exercise, and don’t be related to anyone with heart disease, and you won’t even need health insurance.
Endangered species are going extinct at a rapid rate, and you can do your part to save them by teaching them to code.
Representation matters! Start a petition demanding that there be fewer investment banks named for two guys and more named for two ladies. Admit it—you wouldn’t be as mad if it were Jenna P. Morgan.
Unfortunately, there is no way to cancel student-loan debt. It’s true that loans are fake money trapped in a regular computer that has a Delete key, but cancelling student loans is unfair to those whose parents paid their full tuition.
Exercise your right to protest! Because it would be really sad if we bought these tanks for no reason.
