1. Break up together with your associate and determine that the model of your self from that relationship is lifeless. Purge your closet of things belonging to that retro stranger. The brand new you’ll by no means put on overalls.
2. Take every little thing you wish to promote to the dry cleaners. You’ve already suffered a lot rejection, you want this to go in addition to potential.
3. Sit in your automobile outdoors the native Cool-Woman Thrift Store and take heed to some Angel Olsen to get into the fitting headspace.
4. Open your automobile door after which shut it while you see somebody who appears like they’ve modelled for American Attire stroll into the shop. Look at your reflection within the rearview mirror and surprise when your pores bought so huge.
5. Wait till the AmApp woman leaves, then make your transfer.
6. Casually (not desperately) stroll in and provides the Karlie Kloss look-alikes behind the counter a noncommittal wave.
7. Act such as you simply observed the rubbish bag of garments in your hand. Say one thing chill, like, “Oh, are you guys shopping for right now? No worries if not.”
8. Miss their response due to the blood pumping loudly in your ears and lay your garments on their altar together with your head bowed. It’s essential that you just don’t make eye contact—you will need to set up your self because the submissive.
9. Say one thing nonchalant, like, “I’m simply going to go searching the shop,” because the Karlies start to choose by means of your style errors with the keenness of a Kardashian on the finish of a salad.
10. As you mill concerning the retailer, gently run your fingertips throughout forty-seven totally different clothes whereas saying to nobody particularly, “You guys have nice stuff.” The Karlies is not going to hear you or reply.
11. Occur upon a burgundy beret.
12. Come to the conclusion that this beret will undo all of your previous sartorial errors.
13. Attempt on the beret.
14. Understand that you just don’t know methods to put on a beret.
15. Determine to YouTube it while you get residence.
16. You’re shopping for this goddam beret.
17. Peruse the jewellery part and surprise whose nice aunt died on the Titanic and left them a turquoise ring price 100 and seventy {dollars}. Once you really feel a chill run down your backbone, you’ll know that the Karlies have completed appraising your trash.
18. Return to the counter. Act such as you forgot why you even got here in. They can’t understand how badly you want this.
19. Momentarily black out whereas they inform you that sadly all forty kilos of your clothes aren’t what they’re “on the lookout for this season,” however in case you ever have something that’s extra “sustainable” or “on development” to positively allow them to know.
20. Look down and understand that you just’re nonetheless holding the beret.
21. Stick it to them by shopping for the beret. This can make sense on the time.
22. Don’t neglect to say, “Thanks a lot!” as you drag your trash bag of garments like a freshly murdered physique out of the shop.
23. Depart with extra garments and fewer cash than you got here in with.
24. Stuff the trash bag of garments in your trunk and drive round with it for no fewer than eight months, affecting each your gasoline mileage and your basic psychological well being.
25. By no means get round to carrying the beret.
