Staying put this holiday season is bound to make some of you feel melancholy about the festivities you’ll miss out on—or will it? We’re here to tell you exactly how to re-create the seasonal traditions you love while you’re at home and quarantined and not wearing a bra and/or pants from sunup to sundown.
FAMILY PHOTOS
What are the holidays without a bunch of pictures you take as a group after an uncle says something creepy about how you “look so grownup now”? They’re nothing! So here’s how you can have that experience at home, alone. By now, you probably have a ring light for Zoom dates and that one awkward high-school Zoom reunion you attended. Take that bad boy out, turn it on, and set your phone-camera timer. Stand as far as you possibly can from the whole setup, and make sure to blink. See if you can move your arm right when the flash goes off. It’s important to have a picture to send your mom that makes her say, “Oh, you don’t have any other photos of yourself?”
TRAVELLING
It’s going to be tough to make the trip home this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get all the perks that come with being thirty-eight thousand feet in the sky! Just like on an aircraft, pay too much for a vodka and tomato juice by ordering it through Postmates. Bonus tip: Ask your Postmates driver to sternly remind you to put your tray in its upright and locked position. He’ll be, like, “What?” And you’ll enjoy some of that “I’m over this” plane energy that you’re craving! We also recommend getting into the holiday-travel spirit by having a passive-aggressive conversation with your dog that makes it fairly clear that you could really use a ride to the airport. End it with a fake laugh and a resigned “Yeah, I’ll probably have to pay surge prices, but what other options do I have?”
HOLIDAY SHOPPING
Sure, you won’t be going to the mall when it’s pitch-black at 3 P.M. and breathing in that winter-coat smell at Macy’s while Charlie Brown’s saddest hits play. So, you might miss the energy of angry suburban shoppers ready to fight you for something called a “Spider-Vac” at Brookstone. And you won’t be making eye contact with a child as you stare blankly into the middle distance, waiting in line half a mile from the Apple store for an iPad your dad already owns. But fear not, friends! You can make your own mall magic at home. First, bust out that old down jacket you never got dry-cleaned and spray it with a combo of Febreze and that nontoxic grapefruit-scented cleaner that’s been collecting dust ever since you stockpiled pure bleach. Bam—you’ve replicated that department-store smell! Wanna fight? Get on Twitter and have literally any opinion about the Spider-Vac, then engage with someone who has their phone number in their handle! Wanna wait in line? Call Spectrum and ask to speak to a human representative! There you go. The holiday shopping experience achieved, from the comfort and safety of your home.
THE OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY
It’s a stone-cold bummer to miss your office’s white-elephant gift exchange. That shelf in your kitchen with a panini press and a candle that says “YAS QUEEN” (you’re the “funny one” in the office) is missing a new weird novelty item that you’ll never use. Here’s a solution: get blackout drunk on shitty rum and store-bought eggnog (trust us, this is Gary in H.R.’s “secret recipe”) and play Instagram-ad roulette. Fifteen to seventy-six business days later, you will receive that subscription box of pillow mints! And, if you’re jonesing to stand awkwardly with your office crush under what could be construed as mistletoe in weird lighting, instead just send your crush a moderately amusing D.M. And then keep refreshing to check if he’s seen it or not. If he sees it and doesn’t respond (and you get indigestion), then congratulations—you’ve attended the office party from bed!
CHRISTMAS GIFTS
Who doesn’t love seeing gifts under the tree? But this year it’ll just be you, celebrating solo, so the tree—or whatever you have that has an “under” (table, stool, pile of laundry)—may look a bit bare. But it doesn’t have to! Remember, at the beginning of the pandemic, when you panic-bought all that single-ply toilet paper and those cans of Hormel chili? Wrap ’em up! And feel free to Martha Stewart that shit. Use some ribbon to tie a little sprig from your now browning herb garden you planted in April, thinking you’d be growing all your own food by 2021! Wake up on Christmas morning to beautifully wrapped stuff you’d never think to buy for yourself any other year. Wow—what a cool and normal way to start the day!
NEW YEAR’S EVE/NEW YEAR’S DAY
Never has there been a bigger silver lining to life under lockdown than now—you don’t need to have New Year’s plans! So sit back, relax, and go to bed at midnight, Prague time. Unless you’re in Prague, in which case go to bed at 6 P.M. And wake up from this hellacious year to a new year that is . . . mostly the same. But, also, different! Because, this time around, you know it’s coming, so you can take the lessons of the past twelve months and make them your resolution. (Namely: don’t hoard single-ply toilet paper.)
