As you prepare to reënter “normal” life, it’s natural to feel anxious about socializing in person. One of the major building blocks of interacting with other people is “conversation.” You may feel uncomfortable, but, rest assured, human beings have been having conversations for literally hundreds of years. And, as with sex, there’s no substitute for hard work and preparation.
So, what do you talk about? It’s no longer acceptable to delve into your personal experience of being in quarantine. Many other previously reliable topics have already been exhausted as well. Specifically—food, Netflix, dogs, Wi-Fi strength, and Randy Rainbow. You need discussion points that feel natural yet also fresh. Here’s where the preparation comes in. You want to show up with phrases and subjects (even props) at the ready to fill the awkward silence.
Remember, every conversational journey starts with a single word. Usually, “Wassup.”
Conversation Starters
● “Tell me about this podcast you’ve been dreaming up.” This works with anybody. No matter who you’re addressing, they will have an answer.
● Something about how large a house and how much land a person could afford if they lived in Idaho. But how all the good deals were snapped up already by people from L.A. anyway, so fuck it.
● Carry around a Grammy Award. When people ask, “Did you actually get a Grammy Award?,” you can answer, “Yes, I’m giving it to my Grammy.” Then show them the base and reveal that it’s a novelty trophy with an engraving that reads “World’s Best Grandma.” Everyone loves grandmas.
● Anything about “WandaVision.”
● “Bill de Blasio is really bad at being Mayor, isn’t he?” This phrase is helpful because it works equally well with friends on the left and the right, and with those indifferent to politics.
● Wear a giant cowboy hat. People will say, “Hey, what are you doing wearing that giant cowboy hat?” You respond, “Oh, man, that’s a really interesting story.” And then, well . . . you’ll come up with something.
● Even an object that you carry around every day—an iPhone, for instance—can be a useful prop. Hold it up to your interlocutor’s face and say, “I’m doing a podcast on—” Then finish the sentence with a phrase that describes that person, but aspirational. Some examples: “cool dudes,” “things that make you go ‘Mmm,’ ” “pedestrians.” Or pretend that your iPhone weighs a hundred pounds. People will ask, “Can you teach me about improvisational object work? You’re clearly a pro.”
Conversation Enders
Just as important as knowing what to say is knowing what not to say. Unless you want to get yourself out of a conversation, in which case these topics will help you exit quickly and effectively.
● Your own podcast idea. Especially if it’s a weekly interview show about how technology makes it easier to live anywhere you want, or some bullshit like that.
● Haircuts.
● “Let me tell you about all these projects I was able to finish during quarantine. It was the most productive creative period of my life.”
● The Golden Globes.
● Slight variations on recipes you’ve been experimenting with.
● Anything about Coldplay.
● “The midterm elections will be here before we know it.”
Final Advice
Remember, conversation can actually be something you enjoy. Just keep these few simple tips in mind:
● Your co-talker is right there in front of you and not on Zoom, so don’t pretend to make eye contact while simultaneously playing Candy Crush. They can see that you are playing Candy Crush!
● Don’t drag things on too long. If memory serves, it’s best to limit monologuing to forty or fifty minutes at a go, then let the other person say something, if they’re quick enough.
● Ultimately, the best advice is to just be yourself! But a version of yourself that showers and wears pants.
