WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Anthony Fauci has revealed that nausea and a splitting headache are two common symptoms of talking to Rand Paul.
The esteemed virologist disclosed that he had taken part in a clinical study that required him to converse with the senator from Kentucky several times in a one-year period.
In addition to nausea and headaches, those who come in contact with Paul’s voice may experience “a sensation of wanting to be anywhere but there,” Fauci said.
“After thirty seconds of him talking, bam, it hits you,” he said. “You have to lie down in a dark room someplace.”
To avoid these symptoms, Fauci recommended social distancing from Paul “as much as possible.”
The virologist said that he deserved no special credit for subjecting himself to the Rand Paul experiment. “I was just doing my job as a scientist,” he said. “I talked to Rand Paul so that the American people wouldn’t have to.”
