FOR EONS, MEN HAVE TRAVERSED MY ROILING WATERS IN THEIR PUNY VESSELS. I’m sorry—the caps lock was on.
For eons, men have traversed my roiling waters in their puny vessels. Although I’m both feared and revered as the Lord of the Sea (and also of earthquakes, storms, and, of course, horses), no one ever stops to ask, “Hmm, I wonder what Poseidon has to say about all these little boats attempting to cross His mighty domain?”
Well, I’ve got some opinions—opinions to be expressed here, in Poseidon’s Waterlogged Boat Blog, which I (Poseidon) will update regularly. Thanks for reading, but don’t correct my grammar, lest I strike ye down in a whirling rage with briny bilge and orca innards!
Speedboat
This nomenclature would be like me, Poseidon, calling myself a “powerman.” True power is having a 2006 Josh Lucas film named after you.
Rating: 🔱 [one out of five tridents]
Jet Ski
The perfect boat . . . for gliding away from your responsibilities, Triton. (My son Triton still lives at home.) I’m sorry—I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the boat blog become a place where I just vent about Triton. This is the last time I’ll mention him. From here on out, it’s strictly boats.
Rating: 🔱 🔱
Submarine
These crafts are skulking cowards, not unlike my son Triton. Always slinking about in Davy Jones’s Locker (my basement). I let him live rent-free in my golden underwater palace, and he drags his heels across the ocean’s depths, listening to self-care audiobooks. I don’t care what anyone says—“the doldrums” is not a medical condition.
Rating: 🔱
Sea-Doo 2020 Personal Watercraft
Saw this snappy vehicle sailing through the waters just the other day. Thought to myself, What brung ye here, snappy thing? Decided that I wanted to keep it for myself, so I tossed its wailing captain into a watery grave, where the harpies got him.
Rating: 🔱 🔱 🔱 🔱
Yacht
For ten long years, I, the Dread Emperor, made Odysseus’ life hell and kept him from his family, all because he wouldn’t let my large son Polyphemus eat him. Polyphemus, now there’s a son! So large, so hungry, with his own cave and everything. Anyway, I find yachts a bit showy.
Rating: 🔱 🔱
Steamboat
I burned my trident-gripping hand on one of these—not on the boat itself, but on the steam. No one told me about the hot steam! These are the things you don’t learn when you spend your childhood among a flock of lambs, hidden from your son-hungry father. I would have LOVED to have cushy accommodations in a golden underwater palace and a famous-writer father with a well-trafficked boat blog on the verge of corporate sponsorship.
Rating: 🔱
Barge
Flat-bottomed, plankton-encrusted, and self-propelled. One of those adjectives does not describe my son Triton. Can you guess which one?
Rating: 🔱 🔱 🔱
Carnival Ocean Liner
For a long time, I thought that this was a garish whale. I was, like, O.K., that whale is floating atop the brine? Which I did not sanction? Then I realized that it wasn’t a whale, but a large boat featuring a massive water slide. Lo, I intend to lop off that water slide via a brutal nor’easter wind. It’ll slice through the air with the precision of a Joe’s Crab Shack sous-chef, striking down the passengers, mid-revelry. I dare any of my readers to conjure a crueler punishment for hubristic passengers of the god-defying, water-slided mega-cruise! FOR TEN PER CENT OFF AT JOE’S CRAB SHACK, USE PROMO CODE WHYTRITON.
Rating: 🔱 🔱 🔱 🔱
Lifeboat
Adorable.
Rating: 🔱 🔱 🔱 🔱 🔱
