I know that this year was not what we expected it to be, but, before we carve this magnificent turkey, I think that we should go around the table and say what we’re thankful for.
Someone, say something. Anything.
Please.
O.K., I’ll kick us off! I’m thankful that we’re gathered together, even if most of us are here virtually—hi, Grandma Ellie! Grandma, we can only see your forehead. Move the screen down or move your head up! Ah, you did both, and now I only see your chin. You know what? Never mind. It’s fine. Who else is thankful for something? Anyone? Seriously?
Uncle Steve, didn’t you get a promotion this year? Oh, right, and then the whole company went under because of the global pandemic. Because your job was at a kissing booth at the state fair. Gosh, that’s horrible.
What about you, Chloe? You’re probably thankful to have all this time to read now, right? Oh—you watched too much TikTok and now you can’t pay attention to anything for more than fifteen seconds? You stopped listening to me and you’re getting up and leaving. O.K., well, see you at Christmas, if it’s safe to gather in groups then!
What about little Baby Damon? He must be loving all this time with his parents! Sorry? You guys haven’t slept in seven months? He’s never seen another baby and thinks the entire world is populated by humans larger than him so he’s scared always? I . . . I would be scared, too!
Well, isn’t it so nice to have all this food on the table? We can at least be thankful for that. Granted, when I went to the grocery store, my mask made my glasses fog up, and, instead of a can of cranberry sauce, I bought a jar of pickled herring. Apologies.
Let’s keep going. . . . Kate! Didn’t you book a big standup gig? That’s something to be thankful for, tell us about that. Oh, it was on a cruise ship? It was on the cruise ship? Where are you calling us from? The doctor’s? You haven’t been able to taste or smell food since March? Well, at least you can be thankful that you don’t have to taste this herring.
David, didn’t you work at a haunted house this year? That must’ve been fun and safe, since everyone had to wear a mask anyway! What’s that? Nobody’s scared of anything anymore because they’ve all been confronted with their inevitable mortality? That makes sense.
Hmmm.
Well, let’s cut into this bird, then! I say “bird” because the grocery store’s turkey-supply chain was hindered by the pandemic. So everything was just labelled “bird.” This is . . . some kind of bird! Thank you, some kind of bird, for feeding us tonight.
Oh, my God, it’s still frozen in the center. All right, forget it. Let’s try again next year.
