Introductions: When a gentleman offers his hand—gloved or ungloved—a lady does not recoil and yell, “What are you, crazy?” This is a handshake, and a lady knows it poses her no threat. If she must sanitize immediately afterward, she will do so discreetly. If her companion wishes to hug hello, a lady must never moan in ecstasy at the long-missed sensation of human touch. That would be very weird.
Greetings: When a gentleman asks, “How are you?,” a lady generally replies, “Fine, thank you.” She is not to reply, “Unravelling,” or “Today, I sat on my floor sobbing for twenty minutes, just to feel something.” Conversely, if quarantine has been “a really good time” for her, “just creatively and spiritually,” a lady should can it. No one wants to hear that.
Conversation: A post-pandemic gentleman is a sparkling conversationalist. If a year of quarantine has dulled his social skills, he may always return to can’t-fail topics such as the weather, weekend plans, and what he read during the past year—even if all he did was rewatch “The Sopranos” while scrolling through Instagram. A few topics should be avoided: How you think you’ve developed acid reflux. How you’re trying this new diet—it’s simple, you just drink a gallon of onion juice every half hour. Actually, I just noticed the clock—do you have a funnel?
Business Meetings: When a gentleman is engaged in conference with his business associates, he must always remember that, unlike on Zoom, there is no mute button for real life. If he must talk to his cat or take a swig of bourbon, his associates will definitely notice.
Restaurants: Dining at a restaurant generally involves consuming a “meal.” This is not to be confused with what used to constitute dinner: a few olives, some chickpeas straight from the can, and a piece of old Halloween candy. When your food is served, you will be expected to eat it on the premises, not in front of your TV in leggings while you and your partner argue about which of you is the “Jim” and which is the “Pam.”
Travel: When a gentleman travels by aeroplane, he must consider every leg of his journey. When he boards a taxi, an Uber, or a car service bound for the airport, he need no longer throw open the windows on the Van Wyck Expressway and scream over the rush of wind that “if you’d just taken the Belt Parkway we wouldn’t be in this mess!” If the gentleman is reasonably sure that the driver has been vaccinated, he may berate him with the windows closed.
At the Theatre: When attending the cinema, the opera, or a theatrical performance, it is always inappropriate for a theatregoer to pull out a phone and start playing TikTok videos at full volume. Nor should a theatregoer loudly announce, “I’ve seen this one. It’s the one where Ross and Rachel can’t get their couch up the stairs.” It’s not that one—it’s the one where Lear is driven mad by grief. There’s no couch.
Invitations: When a lady receives an invitation to a co-worker’s parrot’s baby shower, a cousin’s boyfriend’s graduation from dental school, or her upstairs neighbor’s experimental-polka-jazz album-release party, she no longer has a built-in reason to decline. Regardless of the situation, a lady must come up with a believable excuse, such as an unexpected trip to see an ailing relative or a documented allergy to accordions.
Parties: A gentleman always has a party trick up his sleeve. Perhaps he can open a bottle of champagne (never sparkling wine!) with a sabre, or recite one of Tennyson’s better odes. Under no circumstances should a gentleman offer to cut his host’s bangs, no matter how many times he’s done it for his roommate. A true gentleman knows: his roommate looks like a mop.
Playing Hostess: Before you arrange to host a soirée, you must remember that your guests will expect to be invited inside. This will require actually cleaning your apartment and, yes, disposing of the three hundred copies of Us Weekly you’ve been hoarding for “a craft project.” You will never do this craft project. Be grateful that, in a pandemic funk, you didn’t découpage your salad bowl with pictures of Johnny Depp.
Goodbyes: An aspiring Miss Manners always makes a graceful exit. She would never trail off in the middle of a sentence, stand up awkwardly, and announce that being around this many people has really depleted her and she would like to go stare at a blank wall now. A simple “goodbye,” or “ta-ta,” will suffice.
Dressing for the Day: When putting on makeup, a lady must now remember to also do the bottom half of her face. Gentlemen: See those long, tubular things in the back of the closet? Those are pants. You’ll need those. ♦
