WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Democratic voters are anxiously awaiting Election Day in the hope that Democratic candidates and activists will finally stop texting them, a new poll shows.
In conversations with Democratic voters across the country, “No longer being texted by Democrats” has emerged as one of the most important issues to them in the 2020 campaign.
“Don’t get me wrong: I love the fact that they’re trying to end this Trump nightmare,” Carol Foyler, a Democratic voter in New Hampshire, said. “I’m just not sure that I need to be reminded five times a day to vote when I voted by mail a month ago.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Las Vegas, agreed. “I got a phone call in the middle of the night, and my heart raced because I thought it might be a family emergency,” he said. “It was just Joe Biden telling me that he and Kamala need my support.”
Tracy Klugian, a resident of Des Moines, said that, while he appreciated the texts from Democrats at first, “It now feels like borderline stalking.”
“They keep texting me because I donated twenty-five dollars to defeat Joni Ernst a few months ago,” he said. “But I guess now I feel like—oh, wait a second, I’m getting a call. Never mind, it’s just Barack Obama.”
