We won’t say the Big Ten’s rivalry trophies are odd.
Because, hey, if we started pointing out all the odd history that Big Ten football has built up over time, well, this would be an entirely different sort of misery index.
But still … … c’mon.
And of course, there’s the Old Brass Spittoon, reclaimed by Indiana for just the second time in 12 tries against Michigan State football. The Spittoon, which was bought for $25 in 1950 — the equivalent of $270 today — has a slightly altered resonance in a year when we’re all trying to cut down on excess bodily fluids flying around. Or does it, Indiana wide receiver Ty Fryfogle?
[ MSU grades: Spartans were bad in every way vs. Indiana ]
“It’s just exciting getting it back, even if we don’t get to spit in it, because, I guess, COVID or whatever,” Fryfogle told the Indianapolis Star after the Hoosiers kicked some, ahem, brass of their own in a 24-0 win.
[ Michigan football’s demise vs. Wisconsin summed up in 10 stunning statistics ]
Then again, sometimes it’s not enough to simply claim the trophy; style points matter, too.
Just ask coach Kirk Ferentz, whose Hawkeyes entered Friday’s game against Minnesota with five straight years taking home the aforementioned 98-pound brass pig, Floyd of Rosedale.
Iowa had essentially already brought home the bronzed bacon, leading 35-0 with 6:30 left in the game, when the Gophers’ first-team offense began to slog down the field in search of a garbage-time touchdown. This was an affront to Ferentz, and he signaled as much with a challenge of an iffy first-down catch that still would have left the Gophers 35 yards out with about 1:10 remaining. (We said it was a slog.) Even Fox’s rules analyst, Mike Pereira, was surprised: “Kind of a bush-league challenge on Iowa’s part”
Iowa won the challenge, moving the Gophers back but also giving them another 20 seconds or so. On the Hawkeyes’ 14th play of the drive, they made it to the Iowa 4 with 19 seconds left and called timeout on second-and-goal to set up one final push.
[ Jim Harbaugh: Wolverines ‘not in a good place’ right now ]
When they set up in formation after the timeout, Ferentz, for some reason, called a timeout. Up 35-7. In freezing weather.
And then he called another one.
And then a third.
On the next play, the Gophers got their touchdown, but the message was sent: The pig is ours.
And just in case Minnesota’s P.J. Fleck didn’t catch it, Ferentz doubled down in the postgame interview: “They called a timeout to look at what we were doing to reconsider,” Ferentz said. “So, we just wanted to make sure we had a good look at what they were doing. No sense taking (the timeouts) on the bus, right? You guys have reminded me of that a couple times over the last 22 years.
“Figured we’d take Floyd with us and leave the timeouts here.”
Of course, there was no trophy at stake in Saturday’s biggest misery-inducing showdown, a Badger beatdown of the Wolverines. It’s too bad, really; as long as everyone had to stand around in the cold Ann Arbor rain, there should have been some sort of tangible reward to lift at the end of the game — we’d suggest “The Old Crushed Buckeye,” in honor of the Big Ten foe which has tormented both Michigan and Wisconsin so much over the past decade.
But until that’s a reality — and mark us down for $25 to make it happen — let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most:
MISERY INDEX FLASHBACKS
WEEK 1: Replacing Rutgers as the butt of our jokes
WEEK 2: A new type of contagion hits Michigan football
WEEK 3: A long time coming for Michigan, Penn State
14. Indiana: W, 24-0, over MSU
Record: 4-0. Last week: 13.
Ty Fryfogle can rack up as many receiving yards as he wants — and we mean that literally when he’s facing the Spartans, whom he torched for 200 yards on 11 catches — but, at the end of the day, he still kinda sounds like a McDonaldsland villain.
[ Jeff Seidel: The most disappointing part of Michigan State’s loss to Indiana ]
Record: 4-0. Last week: 11.
We get what Purdue was going for with its throwback uniforms, honoring its shared 2000 Big Ten title and the upset of the Wildcats that made it possible. But the Boilermakers forgot to account for coach Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern’s living throwback; his last season as a player was also the last time the Wildcats opened Big Ten play with four straight wins, until this season.
12. Wisconsin: W, 49-11, over U-M
Record: 2-0. Last week: 6.
Sure enough, basketball season rolls around and the Badgers can’t break 50.
[ Michigan grades: F, F, F of a performance in embarrassing loss to Wisconsin ]
Record: 2-2. Last week: 10.
Again: “Figured we’d take Floyd with us and leave the timeouts here.” Hope you never run into Kirk Ferentz in a dark Iowa City alley after taking too long to score a meaningless touchdown.
10. Ohio State: DNP
Record: 3-0. Last week: 12.
Cagey move by the Buckeyes to line their bye/COVID week up with Alabama’s.
Record: 1-3. Last week: 3.
We’d like to recognize the Illini for breaking out of their mold and getting a win with their fourth starting quarterback in as many games. And yeah, redshirt freshman QB Isaiah Williams was impressive in rushing for 192 yards. But rushing for 338 yards as a team — redshirt sophomore Chase Brown added 138 yards — and only scoring 23 points is very on-brand for the 2020 Illini.
8. Maryland: DNP
Record: 2-1. Last week: 14.
The Terps have lost all six games they’ve played against Ohio State since joining the Big Ten in 2014 by a combined score of 350-134, an average score of 58-22 and have never allowed fewer than 49 points. Which is to say: This was probably a good week, if that exists in the COVID era, for Maryland to have a program-halting outbreak.
7. Nebraska: W, 30-23, over Penn State
Record: 1-2. Last week: 5.
That “technically unbeaten against Wisconsin and Penn State” line on the “Huskers” resume sure would have looked better back in August.
Record: 2-1. Last week: 8.
The last time a team in Indiana got burned this bad by a guy named Peyton — seven career passing TDs, including three Saturday, and three rushing TDs for the Wildcats’ Ramsay — a whole bunch of Colts fans had to buy new jerseys.
Record: 1-3. Last week: 4.
Witness how the Scarlet Knights’ five drives ended after taking a 20-10 lead with just under eight minutes remaining: Interception, punt, interception, interception (with the game tied and 77 seconds remaining, no less), end of game, with 13 Illinois points scattered in there. Greg Schiano may indeed rebuild the Scarlet Knights eventually, but there’s a lot of “Rutgers gonna Rutgers” to burn out of the foundation first.
[ MSU’s offensive struggles started with spring disruptions ]
Record: 1-3. Last week: 7.
The Spartans went with throwback helmets on Saturday, paying tribute to coach George Perles. The Spartans’ offense went with a throwback performance, too — to Perles’ two shutout losses to Indiana (1991, ’93). Speaking of old Big Ten coaches, there’s that old Woody Hayes aphorism about how three things can happen on a pass and two of them are bad — Rocky Lombardi’s still waiting for the third thing.
Record: 1-3. Last week: 9.
Science says gophers are mostly active during the day. P.J. Fleck’s boys are backing that up with some applied research, we guess: 0-3 after dark this season, with another Friday-night game (vs. Purdue) coming up this week. Could be worse, we guess — at least the Big Ten isn’t scheduling games at 9 a.m. local time, unlike another Power Five conference we know.
2. Penn State: L, 30-23, to Nebraska
Record: 0-4. Last week: 1.
Lotta talk in Pennsylvania about a recount this month, but we’re pretty sure the Big Ten presidents aren’t gonna cancel the season again, no matter how many times the Nittany Lions ask.
1. Michigan: L, 49-11, to Wisconsin
Record: 1-3. Last week: 2.
You can point to a lot of numbers that are pretty damning of Jim Harbaugh’s squad: Joe Milton’s two passes completed to Wisconsin players before any to his own. Twenty minutes, 40 seconds before the Wolverines picked up a first down. Outgained 189-6 — SIX — in the first half. But we’ll go with this one: Not even RichRod started a season 1-3.
Contact Ryan Ford at . Follow him on Twitter @theford.
This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football misery index: A trophy case of pain for MSU, Michigan
