WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a bold new plan to fight the coronavirus, President Biden called on Americans to stay at home next month and watch the impeachment trial.
“I recognize that I’m asking everyone to make a tremendous sacrifice,” he said. “That’s why I’m issuing a stay-at-home order only for a time when there’s something really good on TV.”
The President denied that asking all Americans to watch the impeachment trial was at odds with his pledge to unify the nation.
“Look—here’s the deal,” he said. “People watch the Super Bowl every year, even when there are two teams nobody cares about. The impeachment has two teams everybody cares about.”
“There’s nothing more unifying than when everybody is watching the same show,” he added. “Look at how ‘Tiger King’ brought us together. Look at ‘Bridgerton.’ Come on, man.”
