They say that, if left alone with your dead body, your cat will eat you. I know mine would. Not because he’s heartless but because cats are practical, and if I don’t appear up to the task of feeding him he’ll simply fend for himself. If this comes as a surprise to you, please allow me to fill you in on some other cat behaviors that, though not as gruesome, are still quite disturbing.
Your cat is changing your passwords.
Have you ever gone to log on to one of those accounts that you don’t use all the time but do use often enough that you should remember the password, only to find that you must have forgot it? Do you then go check the spot where you keep your passwords and discover that you did remember it correctly, but it still doesn’t work? Who could have changed it? How did this happen? It was your cat.
Not only that but cats use your computer to spread rumors about you online. They open fake Facebook accounts and fold the gossip in among conspiratorial rants. Before logging off, they also order things on Amazon without asking you first. When an enormous bag of pom-poms you don’t recall ordering arrives at your doorstep, don’t be alarmed. You’re not losing it. You just have a cat.
A cat will mess with your scale.
You do your best—you diet, you exercise, you cut down on alcohol—and still you gain weight. How can this be? In fact, it’s not you—it’s your scale, and your scale is being tampered with by your cat. They deploy their unique cat-arm flexibility, normally used for taunting you under the bathroom door, to reach beneath the scale and twist the dial just enough so that you feel like a failure, give up, and eat another bowl of ice cream. When, disgusted with yourself, you toss the spoon in the sink—guess who licks it clean?
They cancel your shows.
Cats love true crime. They can’t get enough gory details about horrible things that have happened to people. They listen to podcasts, read blogs, watch documentaries. They’re obsessed. Not only do they find the genre entertaining but it shows them all the ways that you might one day die, leaving them your body.
So don’t be surprised when the DVR stops recording right before the big reveal on your favorite house-renovation program. Someone—your cat—interrupted your recording in his search for more bloody footage. And, as any true-crime fan knows, this was no accident.
They will ruin your brand.
You were going for “modern cool,” but now your pants are covered in fur. You were trying out “youthful and energetic,” but you have bags under your eyes and scratch marks on your face, from a sneak attack in the middle of the night. The truth is that cats don’t want you to have a new brand. Your brand was cemented the minute you brought them home. You are Cat Lady. Deal with it.
They won’t invite you to anything. Ever.
Cats do stuff. They go places, enjoy art, and work on puzzles. They have parties under the comforter, sleepovers in the den, and tanning sessions on the floor. Have they ever once asked you to join? No. And don’t confuse their demands for pets as invitations. They’re not.
Cats love to move your phone.
Not far, but just enough to make you question everything. How many times have you found your phone on the edge of the tub, or in the refrigerator, and said out loud, “Who put this here?” Have you ever noticed that your cat doesn’t answer? Of course he doesn’t. He’s not a liar—he’s just manipulative.
They kick you out of the house.
Do you ever wonder why you so crave travel to a distant locale? Do you think this wanderlust just materialized out of nowhere? No, it did not. It’s the stuff of kitten whispers. As soon as you nod off with a cat on your lap, they start in with the soft-spoken suggestions: “The Maldives. Go to the Maldives. You deserve to tell people that you’ve been to the Maldives.” Before you know it, you’re grabbing your passport, filling up your cat’s bowl, and leaving him home alone—well-fed, for now.
