Dear friends, family, and grandparents—whom I’m surprised to see here. Wow, and you’re not wearing masks. Bold choice! We are irresponsibly gathered here today to celebrate the love between Jenna and Mark.
When Jenna first asked me to be her maid of honor, I was shocked, because there’s a highly contagious disease going around which makes travelling and gathering in large groups potentially lethal activities. But who cares, right? I mean, I care. We should all care, because not caring is how the virus spread in the first place. Ha ha! But today is about you, Jenna, not science. Obviously.
I’ve known Jenna for fourteen years, so I had no choice but to say yes. Jenna and I grew up together. We went through puberty and our hair-crimping phase together. In fact, this is crazy, but Jenna actually gave me chicken pox as a kid. Yeah! She had it and didn’t stay home. So . . . some things never change.
I love you, girl. I’d do anything for you. Which is why I defied every C.D.C. guideline and got on a plane for six hours. Southwest, too, so I’d better be in your will! I self-quarantined for two weeks at the Red Roof Inn for you, and was so preoccupied with not getting COVID-19 that I wasn’t even stressed about the cockroaches, the lukewarm shower, or the bullet-shaped hole in the plexiglass reception window. Not a big deal, but you should name your first child after me.
Of course, I tried to tell Jenna to postpone this—we all did, you know? But, if Jenna’s one thing, it’s stubborn. When she sets her sights on a goal, she does everything in her power to make it happen. Even at the cost of other people’s well-being.
For example, right now—it’s not cold outside, but here we are at an indoor wedding, because it matches the bride’s “Pinterest aesthetic.” And that’s what’s really important: Gothic architecture as the backdrop in your photos. Not some lame virus!
Don’t think I forgot about you, Mark. Other people do all the time, but not me. What a nice guy! Almost all of our interactions have been . . . things that happened! Mark is great. He loves driving and listening to music and stopping at red lights. Most of the time we’ve spent together has been you picking me up at the airport. You are very good at that. And you know what they say: someone who picks you up at the airport is—everyone say it with me—husband material! Yes! They say that! We just said that!
Mark, it’s clear to me that you love Jenna. You’d do anything for her, even risk the lives of all your friends and family. Who knew that “till death do us part” could be so literal, or so immediate? I’m so glad you’re getting married and—oh, your grandparents are coughing. Great, that’s great. Just like the salmon—great.
When Jenna revealed that Mark had proposed to her, it definitely came as a surprise. The group chat was silent for a few hours, wasn’t it? ’Cause y’all were on the verge of consciously uncoupling. But, hey, all good couples fight all the time—that’s healthy!
And, of course, the best way to deal with the uncertainty of a tense relationship further strained by seven straight months of quarantine in a studio apartment is by ramping it up and tying the knot in front of a lot of people. Some would say way too many people. There are more people here than in all of North Dakota. There are so many people here that we could democratically elect a mayor and establish a new town.
So let’s raise a single-use glass in a toast to the bride and groom! I’m very excited to celebrate this momentous event with you, though I will not be having a slice of the cake or joining in the dancing. My Lyft is actually outside. I wish you both a long and healthy life. I also wish that for myself, which is why I’m leaving.
Oh, and one last thing—everyone please sign the guest book. It’s a gift for the happy couple and will be used for contact-tracing purposes.
