A Survey on Our Recent Survey

Thank you for providing useful feedback on our products and/or services by completing the survey you received within seconds of conducting your transaction with us. Your input is essential to our efforts to supply our customers with more and better surveys. To aid us in our ongoing commitment to survey excellence, please fill out this survey on your experience with the previous survey.

1. How would you rank the survey among surveys you have taken in the past?

(a) Rank at the very top of surveys with identical questions.
(b) Rank among the top ten per cent of surveys that were ninety per cent as obtuse.
(c) Rank as one of the ten best surveys I have received in the past one to two hours.
(d) Decline to rank in objection to imposing hierarchy on the survey population.

2. How much of the survey did you complete?

(a) Read all the questions, but answered only even-numbered ones.
(b) Answered every question except the ones about me.
(c) Completed the full survey, answering with reflection and candor, just as I answered the district attorney. Believe me—someone, please believe me.

3. How did taking the survey make you feel?

(a) Constructive.
(b) Destructive.
(c) Content with my decision to use your product but inadequate in every other way.
(d) Alive and fulfilled, blessed by the gods of consumer research.

4. What is your favorite method of survey-taking?

(a) During my morning Zoom meeting, so it looks like I’m taking notes.
(b) Alone, late at night, with a “bedroom jams” mixtape playing.
(c) With my buddies, as a drinking game.
(d) Farm the work out to an offshore survey-filling-out service.

5. Which of the following statements best captures your opinion of the survey?

(a) It was everything I have ever hoped a survey would be.
(b) I don’t know why I received it in the first place, but I’m so very glad I did.
(c) I hated it, I hate you, and now I hate myself.
(d) I never wanted it to end, so I didn’t finish it.

6. Would you recommend our surveys to a friend?

(a) Maybe. How much would you pay?
(b) Yes, I’d like to recommend them to that guy over there. Can you introduce us?

7. In your survey-taking life, are you more comfortable with quantitative values or qualitative terms?

(a) Fifty-per-cent comfortable with both.
(b) Fifty-per-cent uncomfortable with each.
(c) Sometimes very comfortable with either.
(d) Occasionally somewhat comfortable with neither.

8. As a rule, do you prefer yes/no questions or multiple-choice questions in surveys?

9. How would you compare this survey to our previous survey?

(a) I would read them both and think about them.
(b) The last one was more relevant to the topics in the survey.
(c) This one is more recent.

10. What other languages could you take surveys in?

(a) Any Romance language.
(b) The language of romance.
(c) Python.
(d) English.

11. Which of the following best reflects either of the two main reasons you consider our surveys trustworthy?

(a) The text of the questions is clear and respectful, with no strategy of manipulation by convolution or flattery demeaning to a person as judicious, intelligent, and good-looking as me.
(b) I recognize responsibility in others because I am an acutely responsible person myself, as my financial solvency demonstrates.
(Please provide bank name, address, and routing number here.)

12. What kind of surveys would you be most interested in taking in the future?

(a) The kind that probe deeply into my psyche.
(b) The kind that probe deeply into other parts of me.
(c) I just want to take this survey over and over for the rest of my days.